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Warning Signs – Blames you for his/her anger

NOTE: We are re-posting this article on Warning Signs – Blames You for His/Her Anger to allow you to read some of the excellent comments we’ve received from those who are or have been in an abusive relationship. Please be aware that these comments are for informational purposes only; we cannot verify the validity of each individual comment. If you need help, please contact a professional organization such as loveisrespect.org at 1-866-331-9474.

DASH’s early warning signs are meant to guide you in determining whether your relationship is healthy. In this series of articles, we will explore each warning sign in more depth so that you will have a better idea about what each sign means and if you need to address a problem in your relationship.

Our fourth early warning sign of abuse is:

Blames you for his or her anger

Being angry is a normal part of being human. A person can be angry over little irritations or huge problems, but it is the way that person deals with those feelings that can reveal a potential abuser. Has your partner ever said something like “You made me hit you” or “You just make me so mad” or “If you wouldn’t make me jealous, I wouldn’t be so angry”? This kind of reaction is a classic sign of abuse – blaming you for the anger he/she feels. Your partner’s reaction to situations is important to understand.

We’ve all been late. We’ve all had misunderstandings. We’ve all said things we didn’t mean. We’ve all been angry over petty things. Yet, most of us let the anger slide after cooling off a bit. An abuser will not take responsibility for his/her own actions and reactions. An abuser who cannot control his/her anger will lash out at the one thing he/she can control: you. Your partner will claim that YOUR actions need to be changed. If your partner gets angry when you are late (especially through no fault of your own), he/she will berate you about it. If your partner is jealous when you spend time with friends, he/she will demand that you stop seeing those friends. If you try explain a misunderstanding, your partner will dismiss your reasoning. In all these scenarios, an abusive partner blames you. (Notice that many of the early warning signs we wrote about earlier build upon one another.)As a result of placing the blame on you, the abuser feels entitled to his/her reaction to the situation whether it is physical or emotional abuse. The partner then blames you again for “making” them abuse you. It becomes an endless cycle. Even if you do everything in your power to please your partner, there is always something that will set him/her off. You end up living your life to avoid your partner’s “triggers.” You give up favorite hobbies, hanging out with friends and you begin to think that your partner is right – you are to blame for all the problems in the relationship.

Anger and abuse only escalate as the abuser gains more control over you and the relationship. If these examples sound like something that’s happening in your relationship, take a step back, confide in a trusted adult, and educate yourself about teen dating abuse.

If you determine that these warning signs are part of your relationship, remember: you are not alone. You may not know how to get help. You may be afraid to leave the situation. Abusers know that they can control you emotionally because no one wants to admit that someone else has treated them so poorly. Do not be ashamed. Dating abuse is not your fault. Recognize the signs of dating abuse and get help if your relationship exhibits any of these characteristics. You don’t have to handle this alone. Sharing can save your life. For confidential help, please call the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline: 1-866-331-9474.

loveisrespect.org, a collaboration of Break the Cycle and the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline, can now answer your questions and concerns via text message. Simply text “Love Is” to 77054 for confidential help. Normal texting fees apply.


116 Responses to Warning Signs – Blames you for his/her anger

  1. Nicole says:

    The lives that we women live and the hard times that we must face. The strength of a man that overpowers us in many ways. They will never truly see or care to understand that their ways are wrong. We as abused know it is wrong, painful, hurtful, and vile. Why can we not face that we yes do love them however no they do not truly love us and respect us s why is it so hard to leave them? I hate love and have grown to be so angry as i know i do not deserve busted lips or broken bones or a broken heart. I feel as though i am completely lost in the relationship and completely in love but do not want to be if this is what is caused any more. I have always made the wrong choice in men and I hate love. Love fears me. I am alone and always will be

    • Rachel S says:

      Dear Nicole,
      When I read your response I felt like I had written it myself. I was
      just trying to help my Mom understand what I am going through with my
      boyfriend of 2 years. Although he is not always abusive, he has been
      on many occasions. Far too many times to count, with less being physical
      he always seems to verbally put me down find a way to keep the power
      on his side. I love him dearly, the person I met in the beginning, the
      person I see a glimpse of from time to time and the person I know is
      struggling to make it through his very dark moments. The same moments
      I allow myself to be part of just to be with him. I too am sad, very angry at times, although I don’t allow myself to be most of the time
      because I believe in trying to keep my thoughts positive. I feel alone,
      not that I can’t find another person, or someone who will love me too. It’s mostly because he has my heart, and without feeling his love in
      return I am left alone, even without love to give because I almost feel
      dead inside. The power I have allowed him to have over me has deepened
      my feeling of insecurity in the world. Because I know I cannot be the
      best person I truly am if he holds my heart captive in this very dark
      place. I know I have to rescue myself, and right now I am just not
      strong enough to do this. I am so sorry you feel the way you do, or did
      as I realize you wrote this in August. Either way, I hope your life
      has been brighter and you have found a way back to loving yourself and
      the beauty in the world. Take care, Rachel

      • Jenn says:

        Hi Rachel,

        I came across your comment, I know it was posted back in 2014, but I feel in a very similar situation to you. I’m so stuck and in love but I know I am being abused. I’m reaching out to you to see what happened with you and how you handled it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

        Best,
        Jenn

        • Sally says:

          Hi Jen. Noticed your post and I am.too inbsame situation I’m just wondering if you managed to sort your issues as I wouldn’t mind some advice either. Thank you

      • Helen says:

        Hi my name is Helen and let me just say what you wrote truly describes my relationship too a t. I can’t even tell you how bad I wanna just get out sometimes praying to god I can just be free of this man, but yet still when he wakes up in the morning his coffee and breakfast is waiting its an automatic to avoid being yelled at for doing nothing with my life and then at night washing his feet rubbing them to keep him happy these are just some of the things I do everyday to make sure he is happy and not gonna find something to be mad about and blame me for it, he makes me feel crazy like I am in the wrong all the time he has me actually believing stuff he does is my fault!.it’s a sad vicious cycle that everyone says you stay so you let it happen but no one can understand how much you love that person and know he does have a heart and maybe just maybe he will be better but it never happens and day by day faking a smile putting on this act in front of everyone but behind closed doors crying inside dying inside just feeling completely broken and confused yes I know this life sucks

    • Marie says:

      I have been feeling this way for 3 years. In the beginning we had so many problems to begin with, as he was not ready to settle down, yet I had fallen head over heels from day 1. Since then, in a nutshell these are some of the issues and things I have dealt with/ heard:

      -“no one ever in my life has made me as angry as you. I am a nice guy and you bring out the monster in me”

      -living in a constant battle to be heard. everything HE says is right, there is hardly any room for flexibility- things that he is entitled to feel or say I am not. Ex) you take too long to answer a text/bbm and are accused or “acting weird” or in general,I will hear about it. If he doesn’t answer and you pose a question in a similar way, “hey are you there it’s been a while since you’ve answered”….I would receive a reply of “OMFG you ( insert any horrible name) I M BUSY NOW **** OFF AND I WILL MSG U WHEN I CAN!!”.

      -constant breaking up with me over my “inability to change and make him happy”- something correct one day will be a deal breaker the next so I am constantly on eggshells. During these breakups he invites his ex gf over, and I can count a dozen or more times this has happened, only to hear a week or two later he misses me, comes back and all is well for another WEEK.

      -severe mood swings- sickly loving to extreme hatered

      -threating me that he will be happy one day, just watch, etc. he will call his ex over if I cannot make him happy or change

      when he is loving it is amazing and you feel it could really work. You become sucked in time after time, knowing that the “good” one u see isn’t really trying to hurt you intentionally. Then the evil one comes out again and you are left simply hating yourself for being so dumb

      • Tiffany says:

        I can relate to this so much, I experience the same thing daily

      • Aldo says:

        That quote you wrote that no one ever brings out the bad in me like you do…. happens to me and it brought me to tears just now I’m in a relationship and my partner has put his hands on me more than five times in the past year with rage in his eyes I went back once but I can’t do it again

      • Meriss says:

        My husband does this too… says a LOT of the same stuff. He punched me and slapped me three days ago. While My three children watched. I left him and I feel so empty. His love is perfect. His anger is not. I love him. I don’t no what to do. Plz help me. I’m so alone.

        • Alexandria says:

          Don’t go back. It’s not good for children to see their mother being punched or abused in anyway. Be strong. You can do this.

      • Shauna says:

        I’ve been in a relationship for four years. He never had a job I’ve spent so much money on him.. he says I make him hit me and not true at all. He calls me names always blames me. When I got rapped badly by about 15 people it was my fault. And he mentions one of there names and tells me to go have sex with him.. and he only wants sex when he wants.. I can’t have friends or nothing.ive lost my whole family cause of him and my stupidity. I know he won’t change. I’m scared I don’t know who do.have no where to go. I’m so tired and sick.my health I wish I could talk to someone.i want help and need help. I’m scared to be along I don’t want to die by myself. Ive miss my kids parents are raising.i want to see them and talk to them..I’m in desperate need please help.. I’m 35 years old. Scared…

      • Shauna says:

        Same thing. he sleeping right now.t hat y I’m texting this…but we stay together… He says ya she better talking about his ex girlfriend. His step dad has even been with her everybody. Has. She is gross and nasty. And he says that he says that cause I make him mad or I’m a whore I’m like really I’ve been with six people really .I need help.

    • Jeff says:

      Just a quick comment. As you can probably tell by my name I am a male and the comment I want to make is it is not also the female that gets the anger thrown at them. I am in a normally loving relation ship but when the stress pours on my girlfriend all the crap and frustration she feels get heaved on me and she gets extremely hurtful. I know she might not mean it at least I hope she doesnt but non the less it still hurts(what she says and how she treats me). We have been together 8 years and it has been good for a while and then BAM here comes the fricken steam roller. I just want to say females are not always the vent for the anger. Thanks

      • Heung says:

        Hi Nicole,

        Not meaning to take gender sides and I can understand how emotionally hurt you are, but I am in the same situation as Jeff.

        25 year old male, 6 year relationship + 1 year abusive relationship. It may seem petty but I think it is important and it might be healthier for you too if you thought of things like:

        “The lives that we abused people live and the hard times that we must face. The strength of an abusive partner that overpowers us in many ways.”

        Please take this as constructive criticism because I wouldn’t be on this website if I didn’t feel i was being abused…

      • Guy says:

        i agree, I’ve recenly been in a relationship were i was blamed for her anger and she would say and do the most hurtfully things she could intently to hurt me then say its my fault for bringing it up. when i asked her not to treat me like that she got so mad and suggested that i was saying she was some kind of monster. argument would go around and around in cycles for hours. it is very hurtful

      • Patricia says:

        hi Jeff.. youre right, it is not just females. males can have the abuse as well.. though i guess some men feel the need to have power control.. and they hit physically or emotionally harshly.. and as women we feel worthless and completely vulnerable and like we cannot leave because we feel we have to stay to keep trying them happy when in fact i guess.. idk.. the abuse becomes something were used to.. who knows… but i hope the best to you. and dont feel sexualized because of your abuse we all go thru it male or female :)..

      • Jacob says:

        Jeff I know your situation all to well just today I asked my girlfriend what she was doing ( I thought it was a common maybe even nice thing to send to let her know I was thinking about her) and she flipped started accusing me of everything you can imagine, she’s stressed about an exam and often lashes out during stress . I’ve had enough of the abuse and I think it’s time to move on , it’s been years and anytime she’s angry she tryst to hurt me or shame me in front of others . I’ve never even raised my voice at the girl and she tells me it’s my fault that she acts that way . She is hurtful and is never satisfied , she looked at me and said if I was your size I would beat you . .. time to move on so sad I’ve wasted my time again.

      • Shauna says:

        True it goes both ways..

    • Dave says:

      “The lives that we women live and the hard times that we must face. The strength of a man that overpowers us in many ways. They will never truly see or care to understand that their ways are wrong.” – that is SO one sided! Also, you are saying all men’s ways are wrong? How ridiculous.

      • Sarah says:

        Only a male guilty himself of some terrible behavior would react to her comments like you did. A man with compassion and maturity wouldn’t lash out and attack her. The way you reacted speaks volumes about your character. Or lack thereof.

    • Taylor says:

      Hello I read your story and I have been in a relationship for 6 years. The hate I have for myself sometimes is unbarleable. For instints my bf will tell me to do or not do something all the time everday and I do the opposite he then gets so mad that we have a crazy argument fight where he throws things or breaks things then he will leave for the whole day and be with his friends and leave me alone because he says I need to change. Well I don’t feel that everything has to go his way it isn’t fair to me. I don’t feel I get respect and he tells me I don’t respect him. I’ve spent so many days crying in a row I felt drained and crazy that I couldn’t fulfill his needs. In reality he can’t give me anything with no job. He says he loves me and shows me he doesn’t want to be with me by leaving for the whole day because I did something the opposite of what he wanted me to. I feel crazy like I’m the blame everyday! I’m glad I found this web page I keep researching finding answers if it’s me if I need to change myself to be with him. It’s so hard to look at him and tell him it’s his fault but it’s always me.

    • Manny onetwo puncher says:

      The cycle of violence takes two people. No one, man or woman should be abused, but I don’t feel sorry for victims because they have the power to stop the cycle of abuse at any moment. It’s sad but the truth is if you let some one abuse you its your fault you got abused. Get help get away stop being a victim. Stop it.

      • Carla says:

        You sound like an abuser yourself. Most abused women are afraid to leave, that’s how they end up dead. Most dangerous time of all. I hope you stay away from women because your attitude is exactly like the blaming an abuser does.

    • dylan pb says:

      abuse goes both ways even tho its not a pshyical over power thing i just dont like making people feel like that or scared to be around me

    • Erin says:

      so true i feel the same exact way.

    • Jelena says:

      Dear Nicole
      First I are not alone .many women are abused unfortunately.love yourself moust and value yourself .abuses needs to be punished not loved. Go away from that men.he is not a men !!! I deserve better .be loved and cherished . Men who batered women is a no a men !!!!U will find a good person don’t give up on Love .Course no one can take your soul away is good people out there just trust and believe again .I run from my ex after he got violent is very hard and painfuel I am still feeling the pain .but never ever go back . Course u loose the respect .And value .And he will always hit u .no cheaters .as well .And liars .

    • Renee says:

      I sit here and cry after he says over the phone from jail when i asked am i the only lady in his life and he gets mad and starts yelling and says i should ask you that.i been there for him from day 1 sending him money for phone calls and commissary and drive 200 miles to go to his court hearings and be there all day.i do alot for him and doesn’t seem to be enough.seems i cant tell him my feelings or ask him a question.he says i know how he gets when i ask him a question like that and says sorry but im the one makes him mad for asking a stupid question.all i was hoping to hear is yes your the only 1 instead of him getting mad and yelling at me. he says he loves me but i dont know anymore .i want him to love me and i love him and i wonder why sometimes cuz how he blames me for his anger and being in jail.he qent to jail for domeatic violence and never did his probation classes fines nothing. I feel i cant say anything at all cuz im afraid i might say something to make him mad and hang uo on me and i end up hurt sitting here crying.

    • Nicolette says:

      Hi,
      I am laying in bed alone on a beautiful sunny afternoon crying and hurting after yet another fight with my boyfriend of 4 years that turned violent. I have never spoken about my pain or what i am going through.. so this is difficult. My boyfriend who i am trapped by and hurt by everyday is a good person i understand that sounds stupid but its not he is a good person otherwise i would never have fallen inlove with him… these good traits however are rarely seen these days as a more ainister version of him is taking over our relationship. He lies, hes deceibtful, he hurts me and i cant even be angry or hurt about it because if i say im upset by how he never came home for 3 days im the one who gets bruises. Ive lost almost everything in my life because of him ive even lost myself… i am trully trapped inlove with someone who enjoys causing me pain and getting away with it because he knows he can. I need help but im too afraid too ask because im scared for what will happen to him if people knew. Im angry at myself and hate myself for being this person i promised ever since little i wouldnt be because my dad was the same. I keep tellong myself to leave but cant open the door and do it. I dont know what to
      do im trapped in my own mind. There is no way out… for me. So as my fresh new bruises develop i will tell each and every one of you who are starting a new relationship get out while you can at the first sign of violence dont be me. Dont listen to his lies. Dont become trapped. Dont lose yourself.

  2. Destiny says:

    I go through this all the time and its like he hates me. The next day he acts as if nothing happened at all. It scares me to even confront him about anything that he does wrong, he will just call me a b***, or punch something. He always tells me that I am the only girl that he has ever had to act like this towards. I cant be myself around him. I know its wrong I wasn’t raised like this but its so hard to beak off feelings. And we live together that makes it real hard.I just need someone to talk to, I all alone.

    • Kittycookies says:

      I hear that from my abusive jerk partner too.He never hit anyone in his life until me.He yells and calls me crazy and justifies everything he is wrong about.He lately defends other men in the media like Chris Brown.The best line was when he said “Well maybe next time Rhianna will not tell everyone their business.I told him he was nuts.He even treats insects better than me.

      • lovelyone21 says:

        Yes, I have heard that too. that I am the only woman hes ever hit to justify his actions. Its an excuse for his behavior, also everything I say is wrong, wrong friends and now shots at my family members in hopes that we would become distant. Now My only sister is having a cookout and because I want to go I am wrong because I just attended my nephews birthday party last week. When I am going out anywhere he makes it his business to try and control it including what I wear, what time im coming back, who I dance with and talk to etc. he is rude and severly controlling. He needs mental help but of course he would say he doesnt he perfectly fine, its just me. He gets angry if and when im late (especially through no fault of mine, he will berate me about it. He gets mad/jealous when I spend time with friends, he will demand that I stop seeing those friends. and if I try to explain a misunderstanding, he will dismiss my reasoning.

    • Margaret says:

      That’s so hard. There are women’s crisis help lines and you can get help with support groups ther who will help you identify the abuse cycle and how to get out or address it. They also can put you up in a safe motel or supportive house. Get help please today and also have a bag packed somewhere hidden with your important papers. Act now.

  3. ANNA says:

    Hello Destiny
    I’m a 60 year old grandma who married someone like that when I was 24. I’ve been “alone” like that all my life because I kept it secret.
    I’ve been denied to use the car, go anywhere by myself or have friends.
    I’ve been harassed over what I wear and about my work relationships,
    with implications that I cheat on him everyday, often at 5:00 in the a.m.
    I work, he doesn’t. My children love him. My grandkids love him.
    It’s hard to leave when you have had everything taken from you except your income. When you have no friends its even harder.
    Don’t do what I did.

    • Broken says:

      Help me that is me and im now 28 with 2 kids no family no friends and he has threatened kidnapping if i take the kids back home. Im not allowed to have a phone or friends . Says im screwing other people in the middle of the night calls me whore and bitch in front the kids. Im losing it

      • Jelena says:

        Darling find be afraid it scared he is controling I .call police to help .I are in prison .I are not alone I have kids to look after .I will geht help .leave guick as possible .I know is scary .but only way out I need to go away .shelter women and children @ least I will go away from tgat men .he needs to be panished

    • Margaret says:

      That’s not living. That’s being in prison. You can leave. Contact your domestic violence hot line or crisis center for group counseling. You deserve a good stress free life. Require that of yourself.

      • Jessica says:

        None of those help lines have ever helped me,they say why don’t you leave..lol I have no family or friends because of him..no car no money nothing..where am I supposed to go with 3 kids?..live in the real world ..a narcissist psychopath traps & lies to get thier way..I can get out when I hit the lottery

  4. donna says:

    I am a 49yr old woman who has been in abusive relationships to this day. I am not stupid I have know deep inside myself that this is not acceptable behavior. But I have such a difficult time walking away from these men. Please if you could give me some advice as to why I allow this to happen to me it may help me stop.thank you!

    • Dear Donna,
      Unfortunately,we cannot provide professional counseling for your situation, but we suggest you contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or the website at http://www.thehotline.org. The Hotline is staffed by professionals who can guide you on what steps to take to help your situation as well as inform you of the resources in your state.

      Thank you for contacting us and we hope you will seek out these resources.
      The DASH Team

    • Margaret says:

      It’s normal because it’s so traumatizing it’s exhausting to get out and often were poor. I did though I got a hold of the women’s crisis center and got counseling so I could get stronger and know his abuse was not my fault. Inwalked over a mountain to get away. I traveled on a little bike when I was 58. I rode buses was homeless in a tent and eventually it got better. You can do it but go to the safe houses and meetings to shore up your wounded self. You are worth having a peaceful life. Take charge now. Or soon

  5. Vanessa S says:

    Just this past year he started to blame things on me. He won’t let me explain my side of the story, is extremely jealous, gets mad easily, and takes his anger out on me.
    I feel trapped, I want to leave but at the same time I can’t cuz I love him too much.
    We were planning on getting married. But, now I’m scared of what he’ll be like, but I still want it so badly.
    When we first started dating he always broke up with me, but then we’d get back together. Any other guy I would have told them to screw themselves … But it’s different with him … I just wish he’d get back to normal

    • Leslie says:

      Speaking as someone who married her verbally abusive boyfriend, expecting it to get better, … it doesn’t get better. Break up with him now. Don’t sign yourself up for further heartbreak of bitter divorce down the road or a life time of suffering. I knew I was making a risky choice when I agreed to marry him. I wish I could go back to my younger self and give this warning.

    • Margaret says:

      Well I would follow your old instincts. He’s setting up a pattern of good and bad. The bad times you so want good times back and you will endure all his crud. It’s addiction and abuse. Get out fast or go to counseling. My bet is he won’t. Get out then.

  6. Linda says:

    My fiance has been blaming me for everything since we’ve been dating and now we’re having financial problems it has gotten out of hand. We constantly argue now and the blame game is always going. When I tell him that he has done things and he needs to take responsibility he just blames me. I have anxiety, depression and just got diagnosed with lupus. I literally feel sick from the constant arguing. He doesn’t believe that he has that effect on me. He makes me feel as if I’m going crazy. When I tell him to leave he blows up and gets on my face. He says I need him. I came from an abusive family. All he does is remind me of my father now. Not to mention he’s jealous when any other man barely looks at me. He thinks its okay to have private conversations with female friends. He gets secretive and gets mad if i even mention about it. He use to hit me but now he gets in my face hoping for me to react so he could have an excuse to hit me. In his mind he thinks he’s a victim but refuses to leave when I tell him I’ve had enough of all the fighting. I’m losing more love for him everyday. I feel trapped.

  7. Teresa says:

    Absolutely no one can give advice when you already know the answer. Ladies, stand up and be strong. We choose our own destiny. I understand being alone is not what any of us want but looking for someone else to give the answers is not going to work. We already know the answers, think about it. One thing for sure if you have had some type of abuse in your life before you began relationships you probably ended up in a bad relationship. You have to forgive and forget the first wrong before you can move on and really live your life the way God intends you to live your life, happy and fulfilled.

  8. scaredboo says:

    I’m 24, we have been together 3 years and I moved to his country for him about 8 months ago. We’ve always been told we were meant to be together and have had so many brilliant adventures. When he drinks it can effect his personality so much, he’s been mean before when he was like this. One time he wouldn’t let me leave a room and once he held me by the neck over a wall. I pushed the incidents aside and forgave him. Then 2 weeks ago he dumped me. We’ve been renting a place together. I was distraught at the time, he had been very loving. The last month or so I knew he was thinking about it, and there were times his behaviour got bad again, going off drinking and taking drugs not telling me where he was or who with. Since he broke up with me I’ve been trying to sort my life out to move home but have had to continue sharing the same living space. Then last night after a night out with my friend he came home and got really angry at us. He insulted her horribly for no reason, brought her to tears and they got into an argument. After I diffused the situation and got my friend home he gave me an ultimatum between her and me. He turned everything into blame against me ‘how could you back her up and not me after three years?! You’re such a ***** and you know it. I’m a nice guy, I was giving her advice.’ The whole time hitting stuff, I was pretty scared, watching his clench this fists and eye a knife. Today I’m packing my stuff to get out of here asap. Why has this huge change happened in him? How can he go from being so caring to a monster?

  9. kristin says:

    Marie!!
    That sounds exactly like my relationship! I cannot figure out why I don’t forget about him!! Its like I can’t handle the fact that he feels like it is my fault and the only reason we fight is because of me! He will say I interrupt him and everything else is great about me except that! But he interrupts me all the time. Last year he said it was because I am a liar (because once I told him that I lied about something which he never would’ve even known about) so for several months, I was a liar. Now I “interrupt”.. He will be screaming so loud and not letting me speak and when I tell him to please calm down he gets louder and calls me a stupid ******* etc . I tried to put my hands on his shoulders to calm him down and he grabbed my wrists so hard and threw me into the door. He said he should make me have to go to the hospital, and would love to slit my neck with a knife! When I left he sent me a text saying that if I ever contacted him he would press stalking charges and get a restraining order
    Its so hard because he can be so awesome most of the time, I think its when he drinks (but he never admits that and I dont know for sure because I suspect he has been drinking but I did not see him drink)
    My mom and dad love him and I love his 7 year old son so much! He always compliments me and is helpful. He is smart and responsible. I am an attractive woman and also very intelligent.Everyone I know says I am super sweet, funny, and a good friend.
    After we argue, I say I am sorry for my behavior but he rarely says sorry but will say, ” I have nothing to be sorry for” (this is after a verbal fight) so I have almost gotten to the point that I forget the things he said to me that are rude because I just want to get along

  10. Todd says:

    Hello everybody, my girlfriend left this page up for me to read then disappeared for the night, again.
    She says that I have anger issues and a few of the things I’ve read above sound similar to some things I have said and we have been through in the past.
    “I’m a nice guy, she is the only person in my life that can make me react the way I do.”
    -I’m not even going to say monster because that’s being dramatic.
    Now please let me take a step backwards and explain a few things, and I would love to hear feedback from this.

  11. Mark says:

    It happens to men also.

  12. Ellen says:

    I have been broken up with. Abruptly in the middle of a date, with someone who blamed me for not being a good listener, and for sharing my photographs of friends and nature. I have been accused of many character flaws which are not based in truth. Actually I am shy and slightly anxious, but I do care very deeply for and about others. I have close friends who treasure me. I accept my partners flaws but mine are exaggerated with armchair diagnoses, and distasteful statements about my body. I am feeling so sad.

  13. Jessica says:

    I feel like my bfast loves me but he needs help he hits me and pulls me back in when I try to leave then.he will always say he loves.me.and.can’t control his anger we been living together since we got together the reason I always came back.if I left was bc I.love him so much and I.just wanna see him get the help he needs and to make our relationship better

    • Margaret says:

      Leave now. Spouses who hit only get worse. Get help on how to leave your abuser safely to a safe house. Don’t go back they only get worse. Only 2 percent get better and only through intense counseling which most are not willing to do.

  14. Robin says:

    I am a 27 year old female. Ive been married and divorced and now remarried. My first husband was extremely controlling, possessive, jealous, the whole nine yards. Once I got out I promised myself and my children to never subject us to that again. However, bc he was so extreme…it desensitized me to the beginning signs of abuse that would be considered “lesser”. Ive heard other women saying things like…he doesnt hit me like my ex did, but i hate the way he talks down to me. He belittles me like im a stupid child. It starts small. Listen to those little nagging red flags that pop up when he starts isolating you from your friends for whatever reason…..it may sound reasonable at the time and you may agree just to keep peace. but it is NOT worth it. He will demand space for himself, his friends, family, interests, wants…but not make provisions for yours. Anytime you attempt to stand up for yourself he will beat you back down emotionally or physically to take away your self confidence. This keeps you in check and submission. Like i said it starts small. It creeps up on you.
    You may not be at this point yet with your significant other. But ask yourself…..when you have an issue you want to discuss……is he usually defensive? Has he blames his reaction on your tone of voice or aggressive body language or choice of words or timing? Does he ALWAYS have a reason to get defensive or angry? Does he usually turn the argument back around on you? Does he ignore all your reasoning and expressions of emotion…and instead tries to get you to focus on the things youve done wrong that make him mad? Ask yourself…….does he show any other emotions during an argument besides defensiveness and anger? Sincerity? Love? Understanding? Respect? If this sounds familiar…then you are heading into a toxic relationship.
    It was easier for my ex husband to deflect the focus onto my wrong doings..to exhaust me with defending myself so HE wouldnt have to admit and work on his own issues. Mne like this are intent on “misunderstanding” all of your begging and pleading to “change”.
    Then you have the men that do not know how to show any other emotion except anger, resentment, defensiveness, jealousy etc. They feel all of these emotions simultaneously and often times cannot differentiate which one is surfacing. Lets face it nobody wants to be critisized…but these people take it to a whole new level. They KNOW how theyre treating you is wrong and ugly. Once you call out his actions and put a name to it….jealousy…bitterness….resentment….etc….hell argue over whether or not it is or isnt that term. This is another deflection tactic. He will nit pick out the small insignificant details of what you are saying to distract you from making your point. The moment he realizes the point you are trying to make him see he thwarts any further progress for a solution. If ANY of this sounds familiar then it is time to stop being in denial. you ARE in an abusive relationship. Dont wait until it escalates to physical abuse. This abuse is damaging enough.

    • Lisa says:

      Wow……you just described my situation. I’m still speechless as to how what you wrote is my current situation.
      Thank you for sharing. I’ve read it 4 times over.

      • Rebecca says:

        Last night my daughter and I were discussing a topic that had nothing to do with us our relationship. I said one thing that was harsh about a teenager we know, and he took it so far out of perportion, and began to judge my words. I told him he misunderstood what I meant and he would just laugh this fake laugh so that I couldn’t explain myself or get a word in edgwise. Now remember, this was not a personal attack on him, but the actions of a teenager who stole from our company. Finally my daughter said “stop laughing so she can explain herself. And I said yeah it devalues me when I can’t explain something you are judging..
        Then IT happened. His face contorted and mean and he started yelling. It’s like a switch goes on. He told my daughter and I leave our work. When I tried a different tactic from our usual pattern of “is this what you want to do? Get in an argument” for “why are you doing this again when you know it upsets me” .
        It’s like he can’t control himself in the moment and lashes out. He doesn’t hit but says nasty stuff and literally kicked us out of OUR business.
        So I had that sick feeling in my stomach of this man is never going to be any different. The last one three weeks ago I was packing to leave and he was saying it’s all me, my fault he lashed out. I told him I was leaving and I left the room and slept downstairs. So the next morning he is alway says sorry and that he knows he misunderstands me and reacts to quickly.
        Well this morning he came downstairs all sheepish and sad and it’s just a pattern. He keeps saying he will change and that he just feels rage and he doesn’t know why he does it. I never thought I would say this ever, but I love him and he is so loving between these moment but his flip-outs always come back if he feels disrespected.
        When I said I don’t want to talk with him, he ALWAYS accuses me of making up the timeline and it didn’t happen the way I say it. Every single time.
        I feel like I should just leave. Because he doesn’t think what he is doing is wrong. But it makes it so the climate in the house is just waiting for the next one.
        He also said the same thing he always says when I say you have to stop, you don’t change anything about yourself. But it sounds like you are all a part of the club where we try a different tactic every time but nothing ever changes. I’m just on this relationship roller coaster where I feel like we are doing great, then he lashes out and I feel helpless. It almost like I will have to accept these flip outs in order to have the wonderful him. I wish he would stop. Should I try to get him to go to councilling? He always ALWAYS feels horrible and last time was crying and begging for us to stay. If this one thing didn’t happen we would be great, but I can’t figure out a way for it not to affect me so much.

        Any advice would be welcome!

        Becky

    • Lisa says:

      Wow this hit home with me. I’m actually experiencing right now .
      I’d like nothing more to try and retrain my brain to walk away and not fear the unknown.
      For this type of men keep you vulnerable and make you feel less about yourself
      It’s Ben a constant struggle to deal with . And in the end I just only wanted love

    • Confused says:

      I’m glad I found this forum. This is exactly what I deal with. Sometimes I am so confused as to whether or not it’s abuse. There has been physical abuse in the past but what he does is 99% verbal and emotional. He laughs it off if I tell him it’s abuse. He gets mad and says horrible things and brings up any past mistakes. He says I make him so frustrated and angry and he says things he doesn’t mean. It’s always my fault because I said or did something that set him off. His apologies are never sincere and always brings the blame back to both of us, although I don’t say those kinds of things to him. Even when he did hit me he says it was because of something I did, so it’s both of our fault. He broke 2 doors in the house but we are both to blame because if I hadn’t said what I had he wouldn’t have done it. What is so confusing is that he will not let the relationship go. He always says he’s sorry, he won’t do it again, and we should move forward and just “love each other.” He says he doesn’t want to live without me and that we can make things work. I feel so completely drained by it all. I give in because he won’t leave no matter what.

    • Paulina says:

      Hi Robin,
      Thanks for your words. I was in denial, but i am in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. To add to this, he can never apologise for his wrongs (it’s always my fault). During an argument recently he threatened me with physical violence because i didnt want to discuss his perceived issues with me. Those issues may be real, but i believe i reserve the right to determine the level of stress i want in my life.
      How can i assert myself so i don’t have to feel wrong or weak, and without triggering violence?
      I don’t like to share my problems with others, so even this a huge step for me.

    • Kelly says:

      That described my boyfriend perfectly but I don’t think he realises he does those things

    • Bella says:

      Excellent advice. Very well written. Thank you.

  15. Alone says:

    My boyfriend hit me when he gets really angry over a diagrement.Or if he see something on my fb he don’t approve of in I’m sleep he will smack me out my sleep constantly hitting me in things asking why than he I guess he feel bad sometimes in take places or ask me do I want this or one time he buys me a phone do ok want my hair I do kind of forget about it but it always like a repeat most the time irk I’m only 25 going threw this I love him so much but idk

    • Margaret says:

      That’s not love its dependence on him sparing your life. Get out now with the help of a women’s crisis center or online domestic abuse website. You are in danger. You are not being loved. You are being hurt.

  16. Alone unwanted says:

    Why am I so young going threw a abusive relationship why he makes me feel really low a lot about myself idk I try my hardest to be a wonderful girl but maybeit’s not enough he also say I’m the only female that got him doing this he loves me blah blah I just wish thing could be so much better how can you be so young going threw this I never thought it would happen to me

    • Margaret says:

      So sorry for you. You don’t have to go it alone. Get yourself up girl and join a women’s crisis center group or alanon and get trained on how to get out. You are a valuable human being worth having a peaceful life.

  17. Nancy says:

    Maybe someone could say something like this, “I’d like an affirmation from you today if it is possible….

    While I do think our solidarity has been improving considerably, and I have felt an intensely genuine kinship and likemindedness–

    M overheard your comments to me the other night in our room and wonders why I “let you” talk to me in “threatening”ways—-

    ending with you in an unpleasant location– — for allegedly behaving badly. Aargh!

    I feel very sad and awkward that I have to explain as much

    -including the busted door-

    and words that involved me being physically hurt if I did not capitulate to your desires in the moment (can’t recall about what-lol)

    I trust you fully and don’t believe you’d ever hurt any of us, and say as much of your to answer the queries-in your defense.

    Understanding you are wonderful in so many many many ways does not justify it-in reality.

    I take responsibility for being difficult at times, as I know you do for not handling your anger as well as you’d like-on occasion.

    We’ve got to stop scaring them needlessly in extreme measures.

    It feels hypocritical of me to confront the realities of why I had to leave R. And to know that I truly want our connectivity and bliss to continue on so many levels for an indefinite period of time, but can’t tolerate the shame of excusing behavior I would insist they not put up with in any circumstance.

    You are most wanted and welcomed among us-quirky as we are, but you must unequivocally quit any form of verbal or physical punishment or threats thereof in the heat of your anger.

    I want ALL of us to live in tranquility and grace of living and love–even in the midst of occasional, ever diminishing frustration over not seeing eye to eye, as I KNOW you do as well–perhaps even more than I.

    Nevertheless, using fear to control people is not love–that is for the hoodlums 🙂

  18. Mabe in denial? says:

    I’m 40 and this is my second marriage my first husband was extremely jealous and obsessed but never laid his hands on me and my second husband has only hit me on my arms and he has pushed me down when we argue but when we make up he always tells me it’s my fault cuz I make him made and he always is sorry and I cry but I always forgive him and I know I do make him mad at times ..so is it my fAult like he tells me?

    • Margaret says:

      No that’s what all abusers say and it’s so confusing and we try to get better but it’s not us. It’s them something in their life makes them do this. I would get out soon. My x did exactly the same. I got out once came back again and it was worse. Go get help from a women’s crisis center. This is not your fault, his abuse. Do this soon before you lose your mind in pain. Please heed my warning. It’s hard but better than a slow death of ones soul.

  19. rosy wilson says:

    we been togher for 5 years and my bf luvs me alot hez vry much serious abt me I knw evrythng abt him I want help hez really abusive he hits me he screaming on d road in public even he cuts his own hand then he strdd abusin me latr he cries then he says sorry I can’t leave without u I don’t knw how to deal wit him should I contiue this relationship bcoz even I can’t stay widout him wat him back after this fight I NVR gve him response I don’t tok to him for long days to make him realize

  20. Anny says:

    What if he just told me,”I know I did things wrong but, I’m not the kind of person to punch walls.” Saying I evoked that from him. He also told me,”You can only keep promises others will let you keep..” When that pretzel confused me to no end he called me a mindfield. I was the reason he didn’t keep his promises….but he would let promises go to the wayside with excuses.

    Is that abuse?

    I know he’s mad at me and I have not been perfect. I’m trying to untangle my responses to him and take responsibility for them but it fell on deaf ears. I tried to tell him I’m sorry that I had gotten drunk and said some mean stuff to him. That that was my responsibility on how I decided to react, not his, there for I couldn’t take responsibility for anything he has done. He told me that I had dranken long before him and that he never punched a wall before me. Which is hard to believe since his list of girlfriends before me he all calls derogatory names and that’s who I know them by.

    When he got ahold of me after a year of no communication for three weeks he was texting me. Saying,”you hurt me more than words can say but I’m still in love with you but, you knew that…” and continued with I love yous, baby talk, I really miss yous on Christmas until New Years when I sent him pics of a special place we went to once… He texted,”I really loved the pics ;-)” and just stopped texting….ghosted out. Which he’s done before. 2 weeks later through a friend once removed I hear,”he’s moved on..”

    I got really angry and said,”I’m sick of your lies and lies by omission!!” He responded to me then and said,********* for using semantics!! All I meant by that is I’m happy you’ve moved on because I have and yes I’m dating a friend she’s quite nice and I wasn’t dating her then anyway…(leaving only a two week gap between texts) and how I carpet bombed him with messages (huh? I just reciprocated his feelings)..and how it’s NEVER going to happen between us!!!

    A month later he begins video chatting me…we talked for 6 months never touching on our issues. Said he wasn’t dating the girl anymore because she used him, she was younger…(a dig?) how he really didn’t think she was a really bad person. He tells me he loves me and how he always thought we’d end up like two of his friends that found eachother again….
    I later ask him about still being in love with me and he said,”I must have meant it at the time…” (Only two months prior) I asked again later because I wanted more depth and explaination..he says,”I shouldn’t have said that…”

    All the while he’s telling me he’s going to come down to see me…..(long distance half the 10 years of our relationship)….

    I asked him once about a motorcycle trip we took and he was kinda distant so I kept trying to engage.,..we pulled over to a gas station and started calling me a bitch, saying,”you *******, several times…” We had to wait for his Dad and brother to pick up his bike. I took off then but was too upset to stay concentrated through a sand storm and a mountain range. So I pulled over fully intending to stay put until I felt better but they saw me and he jumped out like nothin was wrong and road it for me and I road in the truck…really really upset. I asked him about that way later on and asked what was that about?! He said he didn’t rememeber it but, I must have some something….

    What is this?? I feel like I kept saying how sorry I was, genuinely and I kept gettin this stuff….

    At the end he screamed at me how the entire 10 years was shit!! That I’m the reason he felt so badly about himself and he’s just getting over it!!!!

    Then no communication…..

    I was hoping for a peaceful goodbye and I can’t get rid of this pain in my heart that was I really the reason he felt soo bad, did I’d do no good?? 10 years…

  21. Clayton says:

    Hi I love my girlfriend so much .I feel like I am this guy every one is talking about I don’t hit my girl but the things I say are very mean I mean afterwards I feel so bad I know that she should never hear these horrible things especially from me I tell my self I won’t say mean things but always comes back to me opening my mouth to hurt Her I am so pathetic for saying this things to her And feeling jealous all the time I know deep down she’s a wonderful woman who would nt hurt me this way that’s just not the way it comes out when I’m so upset I don’t want her to feel sad or trapped or hurt or be accused of things she would not do I know she’s beautiful and can find someone who can treat her properly I feel selfish for staying in her life I can’t leave her tho I wish I could start over I would never say a mean word to her I’m always wrong anyways what can I do to .make her happy again?

  22. Tanya Cooper says:

    You all are beautiful strong women and I was in the position that most of y’all are in so I started to not take up for him let him face what he has done they are a bully they don’t love you but love the control they have over you. Stockholm syndrome is powerful and basically the same you have to start seeing how strong you really are first y’all are very strong the power he or she has is because you have given it to them they don’t have any power at all they are still weak and helpless. Next you need to love you and realize that you deserve better which he knows if ever do see yourself as you truly are you would leave and he will have no one to control. But also be careful cause they can hurt you so bad that it will kill you both ways also if he will beat you he will beat your babies and you don’t want your son or daughter to end up in that kind of relationship find away to take the kids to school and keep driving don’t tell noone not even your best friend leave no hints or if you don’t have kids when you leave for work or he does get away they can find out you are gone when they come home or you don’t because most men that are abusive would rather see you in ICU or dead before letting you leave he will never change just because he says don’t mean nothing get to a safe spot everything can be replaced get a restraining order file police report once you are faraway don’t turn back then started loving you first don’t get into another relationship you can eventually but first make sure you empower yourself and know your self worth now I have a wonderful man that I thought would never be possible and didn’t exist. If you decide to date no sex go movies or out to eat then home woman get emotional tied to someone after sex if I can do it I believe you can too. Remember your beautiful and strong and you are better and not stupid but he will never change don’t believe him you are the only person you can trust tell noone nothing show nothing different on the day you leave don’t even allow the thought about it go through your head until you are in the car then don’t turn back its such a relief feeling when you finally break away 11 years and when the divorce was filed it was such a great relief like a burden was lifted then I started loving me and recognize how strong and powerful I was and I know y’all are too the hardest thing is walking away the rest is such joy.

  23. catz says:

    Good day!im catz i just want to share my experience before and during marriage in a very difficult situation right now.our wedding was last February 2016.after that i leave home and stay with my husband’s place.i was hit by him for how many times before and during our marriage life and that is the reason why i hated him so much that i want to stay away from him.he is always telling me that i am challenging him to hit me physically.we argued a lot of things like work,money etc.i am college undergraduate same with him and right now i dont have a job.He is working in a canteen and his salary is 200 pesos a day which is i find not enough for us.even if i want to work i always decline the job offers because he doesn’t want me to do that and im very disappointed with him for doing that.For me it is very unfair.He doesn’t have a plan for everything because his reason is we dont have a money to do this and that to buy this or that,its very irritating to always hear that statement from him.i want to leave him now.He is always telling me to submit and respect him but how can i do that if i feel that hurting me physically and emotionally is a very bad thing he did to me.i feel so hopeless right now and i dont want to be with him anymore.For me marrying him was a biggest mistake I’ve ever done in my life.

  24. Tammy says:

    Hi my name is Tammy. I’ve been with my husband since I was 12. I’m 46 now .we have been married for almost 22years in Oct on the 22nd. I know that he has been cheating on me for years I even have recordings of him and her. But no one will listen to me or believe in me. He denys denys denys but the recordings to me tell the truth. It’s always a fight. He’s taken every thing possible away from me from money respect from every single person we know and even from people I don’t know. His actions speak louder than his words . I’m suicidal and in a deep depression. I am clueless and beyond stupid.
    He has so much power over me .I’m at a loss he had an affair with a coworker for years .I’ve heard him tell her I love you numerous times and I know that he has taken her to hotel rooms because the hotel called me to tell me she left something there ”thinking” I was her and I’ve got recordings of her going on a trip with him
    Please help me

  25. nobody says:

    I get angry with my gf all the time. The thing is that I have explained to her over and over again that when she does something that annoys me and shows me that she doesn’t care and I talk about it, her behaviour afterwards is what causes all the problems and I get angry. I have explained that she shouldn’t put her ego above the relationship, admit that she did something that annoyed me and show me that she cares. So, the behaviour afterwards is what causes all the trouble, not the first “wrong” action itself. And God knows how many times I have explained this to her and God knows how many times she told me that she understands how I feel, that I am right and that this will never happen again. The question is, does she really cares as she always says after the fight? And how could she care if she cannot respect the fact that I cannot find any kind of love in her egoism and she knows it? she should try to make me understand that what she did was wrong and won’t never happen again. Instead of that, she says “you wanna leave? go ahead and do it” . And always after (and only if I make the first step) she says “I love you, you’re my life, I don’t want to lose you”. A strong relationship cannot be based uppon egoism. Egoism is what kills one’s feelings since he/she realizes that no matter how many times he/she puts himself/herself down, stepped back, made the first step, the other person is not willing to do the same. Somebody tell me what’s wrong with this picture. Is it me?

  26. Margaret says:

    Emotional abuse and verbal abuse. You are being abused terrible and it is so awful because he tells you it’s you but it’s him. He has control and abuse from inside of him. Go run as fast as you can to call crisis center hot line or go to support groups. You will be so broken if you Stacy. There are safe houses for you. He might rage if you try to leave. Please get help now.

  27. Emily says:

    Hello, I have been with my partner for 7 years, no kids and not married yet. Since the 1st year of been together he use to lash out on me over disagreements. Anyway one Christmas I had a black eye and I started to lose my temper and If he hurt me I would hit him back because I was sick of been belittled or hit. It stopped for a while and he knew he had anger problems and things were ok. I think I accepted the fact being hit was part of the relationship. Anyway 4 years later it’s starting again and I don’t know what to do. Bust lip, hair pulled, squeezing my face so hard that I end up with a black eye. He says sorry but does it again. It’s usually happens when we had a night out and we are hungover. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am 25, we live together and scared of starting all over again if I leave him.

    • Monica says:

      I have been with my boyfriend of 4 years. Recently he has been growing to be very jealous and possessive. He started telling me what I shouldn’t wear and threatens to not attend any events if I don’t comply with his choice of attire. Yesterday morning he hit me 2 times out of pure anger and madness because I did not try to stop him from leaving. He usually packs his bags up once a week and takes all the stuff he buys me with him including one of our dogs. He always takes away what I need most such as my phone or computer just to get my attention. When I refuse to pay him any attention he starts apologizing and crying. He also single-handedly broke my only pair of seeing eye glasses because he was angry.

    • Confused says:

      You are so young and every opportunity to start over. I know it’s hard to leave and hard to be alone but it really is like dying a slow and painful death of your soul when you stay. I’m afraid if you stay that you won’t even recognize yourself anymore. That’s what’s happening to me. I feel so emotionally exhausted. The longer I stay, the more I feel trapped as he gains more and more control of everything. I called a DV hotline today and they gave me a lot of local resources to call. I don’t see a way out by myself, but I have to reach out and make the first step. I even lost custody of my children because of this toxic relationship. I listened to his promises that he would make it all right again and make sure I got my kids back blah, blah, blah. This was two years ago and I only have supervised visits to this day. I had a good life before him. Now I don’t recognize myself and I’m so, so tired! Please don’t make my mistake and stick around so he can suck the life out of you little by little. I need to get out while I have a moment of clarity, and not listen to his fake apologies and empty promises.

  28. Qwin Nathalie says:

    we ‘ve been dating for 4years now he has no job,,am an undergraduate,, we both love each other so much but we argue alot,,he hits me one day for talking back at him, but later apologized en promised never to do it again..now he wants us to get married.

  29. cynthia says:

    This sounds so familiar …I feel at fault it started with him calling me a bitch then every fight I would hear it …plus he would never want to talk about our issues …I got tired of the disrespect and I would hit him …we’ve been together 6years now and that’s how it started …I never had been called names in previous relationships …but after I first hit him he hit back then it became routine …I’ve been pushed pinched slapped , had things thrown at me and I’ve been thrown on the floor so hard my head slammed on the concrete …ive had a black eye had my hair pulled and I’ve been choked recently he kicked me and broke my arm …I don’t understand why I keep making excuses part of me is hoping if we can just get right with God…Jesus Christ can heal our relationship ….but now I’m scared to make the wrong decision am I stupid for considering getting married …we have a beautiful daughter …I feel so lost . I’ve hit him but never with the same force he uses on me …I don’t know what I’m doing I change my mind about leaving and staying at least once a week ….

  30. Maria says:

    Well I really don’t know were to start Im a 41 yr old woman. My boyfriend of 2 yrs hit me everytime hes mad at me. We fight argue he calls me a fat bitch, dirty ho ect. I really don’t know what to do I love him so much. I forgive him all the time he cries he begs for forgiveness. I fall for it all the time. I know this is not healthy for us. I just so weak and always forgive him cause I love him even though he hurts me. We don’t live together he calls and their I am talking to him even though he just finish hitting me. Please help me I need some advice. Thank you

  31. TLee says:

    My bf live with me in my house. It is do bad….I tell him to leave and he tells me I need to leave and that he went leave until I give him rights to my 6 month old. I didn’t put him on the birth certificate because of how he treats me. While I was pregnant he threw dog poop at me, choked me out and pulled a fist full of my hair out. He tries to embarrass me everywhere we go. He drives my car to hide end I have to pay for the insurance..he has broke door jams in my house when I try to hide. He throws things at me like phones, remotes or anything else he gets his hands on. He has broke my porch light from slamming thebfront door. He has broke my passenger side window in my car from slamming the door. He takes my phone and cigarettes when his mad and tries to take my car and baby. He has fractured my foot, punched me in the ribs till they broke and twisted my arm behind my back until its popped. My boyfriend is 6 foot 6 inches tall. I don’t stand a chance against him and I need him to help with bills. He always quits his jobs and I have to fund the car, gas and insurance to make sure my bills are paid. I have noone else to help me. There are no good times for us or my children. I am miserable and don’t know how to make it stop. I ambdamned if I do and damned if I don’t. He is going to kill me one of these times…I get thrown down stairs and called a whore. He always accuses me of being unfaithful and I wouldn’t dare talk to another man. Everytime he hits me he takes the phone. I can’t leave because I can’t drive and I have a three year old and a six month old. And this is my home. It is paid off and I had it before I started dating him. Every morning before he goes to work he wakes me up and starts a fight. I don’t know what to do anymore.

  32. Colezy says:

    The guy I am dating is about the same age as me. We met up after talimg on and off for years and speak two weeks together and it was pure magic. He could communicate and we both looked after each other. However it seems to have gone sour after we discussed our relationship and where we were at. It seems he was too embarrassed of me which then made me feel as if what we had was a lie. We have now dated for 9 months and he has changed to the pint where instead of communicating with me he just puts me down about how I don’t make and effort. I have tried and invited him to come over yet he has excuses. Most I understand but how can he say I don’t make an effort and why is he originally mister perfect and now he’s the opposite. I don’t understand where the guy a fell for has gone. There’s so much to say yet he never sees what he does wrong. He blames everything on me. Shouldnt we be working together as a team. Sick of trying and crying over this dude. It feels like he won’t even listen of try to change. Was the start not really who he was. I have no idea what happened but im waiting for him to vome back to the guy I fell for but hes not coming back. Partially I recognise strest on his behalf from multiple angles.. but it doesn’t dis miss his behaviour… argh

  33. Debbie says:

    Iam 49yrs old and iam in a relationship with a man alot younger than me, he’s says I make him angry he as a habit of grabbing my arms,pushes me in my chest and tonight in my stomche, he’s in bed iam on the sofa,I said am leaving as this as happend before were he’s physically gone for me . I got no family I can turn to an no friends I moved away from Merseyside to be in the south with my partner been together 3yrs were in a new house and iam modified I do suffer from mental health issues am I really to blame for everything? I suffer from joint problems too,so now iam in pain and aching life isn’t going well am a emotional wreck tired and weak even trying to deal with a critical I’ll mum who’s in hospital and malice has been caused towards me from five members of my family and am dealing with this too:((((((

  34. lindsay says:

    I am a lesbian and several of my exes (when we were together) have admitted to wanting to hit me at times (they never have). My current girlfriend just said the same thing, she has not hit me. I am starting to think that there is something wrong with me since I bring this behavior out in people. What should I do?

  35. Mk lake says:

    Iv been see in this guy for 4 month, he says he love me and I say it back but he is always accusing me of cheating randomly tells me to go suck so and so d### and calls me a stupid bitch a dumbass I’m the ugliest he been with. It started with a few pushes here and there when he gets mad then he blocked me in my room calling me name I just wanted to go to sleep after breaking stuff in my house I felt so numb I just ignored him. He ripped the blankets off and I finally had enough and pushed him of he came at me and head butted me and choked me I feel on the floor crying he said if your going to try to put yourself in a mans shoes be prepared to get hit like a man I’m so confused I don’t know what to do he says he blacks out but i need advice and point of views on this situation.

  36. Amber says:

    Me and my boyfriend have been together for seven years we have a daughter together. We where 17 when we found out I was pregnant with her and I was still 17 and he was 18. Oringally we had a plan to give the baby up for adoption, but then he changed his mind when I was 7months pregnant he decided to keep the baby. After we had pur daughter we got pregnant again and had no choice but to get a abortion. But it seems that after that we got four more abortions because he made me. I always wanted another child. During these years he would often hurt me and hit me when he was drunk. If he was sober it would be mental abuse. My last pregnancy I didn’t even need to go get a abortion like he usually wanted I had a miscareage and it was so hard on me all of this was so hard on me. I know a lot of people judge me on this like why didn’t you get birth control. Well I didn’t get approved for medical and I don’t work for a place that offers medical insurance. So anyways recently we got in a fight and he beat me up so bad I can’t even carry a purse and yet hr gave me a excuse today that he was sorry and wants to have a baby but its so hard to believe idk what to think or what to do. My familyives on the othetr side of the country and his lives here

  37. Cindy says:

    I am there

  38. Badly damaged says:

    I am 43 & in engaged 2 a man that says he love me but atvthe same time when hes angry he has choked me repeatedly he has spit on me threw water in my face he pointed a gun at me & 2 my vagina he has choked me & said die bitch..he has called me every name under the sun..he hit me up side me head about a wk ago & had several blackeyes several bruises & etc..im so frustrated & hurt..im tired of being his doormat..i was a beautiful & fiberate young lady now im jst a person full of hate & rage & insecure of myself..i always put my head down r look the other way if a male walk by us if not its a argument..he argue about the simplest things..i see why hes been divorce twice & all of his relationships he has been cheated on & left & i can really see why they found comfort& joy in someone else..all i know is in freaking TIRED!!!!!!

  39. Rachel says:

    I been with my boyfriend for 6 years and lately he has been worst. I seen open cudom on the room flow, lot of text message of different girls so I couldn’t take it no more so i broke his phone after that he’ll brakes he kept punching thru the vacuum on me make me fall of the chair. I got really out of hand

  40. Jane says:

    Help.me.think.im.loosing.my.mind.. my.boyfriend causes an argument.with.me… I defend my self by telling him stop making problems occur and wanting to cause an argument . He then replys to me saying thats it your going on at me and he says im sleeping on my own tonight .. he then says to me … I will speak to you in 2days when you stop going on at me .. then infeel sad and guilty … but when mynfamily around he treats me with love and kindness .. soon as my family leave . He causes an argument again and then he blames me for defending my self .. and ignores me again … pleaee help me I cannot cope with him and if intell him to leave he threatens me to commit suicide … im scared and feel alone what is wrong with him im stuck and now I feel so low

  41. J says:

    I read the fact that females keep identifying as if this is gender bias, but it’s not.

    All male comments seem to be skimmed over.

    That point aside, this shows no gender preference.

    I just got done dealing with months of subtle attempts of invasiveness and manipulation in order to get me to withdraw from my normal life. I treated this girl very well and was consistent from day one (too old for this crap where one puts on a show). She abruptly got jealous over something very petty, and after doing everything one could think of to reassure her; led to a week of straight emotional abuse.

    I did all that I could to be calm, mature, rational, and empathetic with this girl. Even after her sending her friend to write me an essay attacking my character based off biased false pretense (my ex telling her that someone I never speak to flirted and spoke with me regularly), posted about me on social media with accusations and labeling me with psychological terminologies, and justifying her immaculate assumptions with intuition and horoscope memes….

    I put up with this for 4 days, as well telling her I had no wishes to be subjected to such things, and being dumped. After being respectful as I could while asserting my boundaries.

    She says she wished to make things better, manipulated the hell out of me, and then when I got mad…….. And had my moment of weakness…… All of a sudden I’m the bad guy for reacting to the fact that someone says one thing, does another, and acts like I have no right to be upset with them.

    To say one can’t contribute to another’s emotions is irrational, because it does happen. It’s just between something that actually happens, versus something that doesn’t.

    In a relationship, both must be considerate of each other’s emotions, as well as being forgiving and not holding resentment towards each other.

    In short, articles leave out the aspect of self defense.

    If someone instigates an issue, that is emotionally abusive in itself. And when it gets to what is discussed in this article (you standing up for yourself being discredited), it’s where things get grey.

    There needs to be a differentiation between an emotionally charged argument that happens to anyone and everyone from time to time, and emotional abuse that proves it self to be consistent. Since one has a right to be upset when someone emotionally abuses them. You can handle it the best you can, but if these people are persistent; they will prod until they get what they need in order to have the slightest thing to hold against you.

    At that point, the easiest way to differentiate is he lack of guilt, and use of another’s actions to justify spite and vindictive behavior.

  42. J says:

    I will add that we got past this jealousy, I established firm boundaries with this girl; only for her to violate other ones and continue to justify double standards and use the fact that myself having feelings instantly meant that I had no consideration for hers.

    Sometimes, gender bias leads to enabling the same behavior that many females have an issue with. But with the whole victim mentality established in culture these days, males are expected to tolerate it. Otherwise we seem “weak and sensitive” to “empowered women” (not to generalize and say all women see themselves as such)

    But it just upsets me personally how often these things fall in line with subjective cultural norms that have been developed in advent of the female victim culture.

    Myself being a person who was struck by a female in my early years over MySpace, and then me being the one put in the back of a cop car because I walked home after getting hit…..

  43. victoria says:

    Hmm, where to begin….
    please, i wouldnt want to give an advice if its not solely based on my personal experience.
    i was in a relationship with a guy (fiance) for 3 years, i met him when i was 23, naive, a virgin and completely clueless on what i really needed from a man. i guess he capitalised on that. He proposed, i said yes, but i knew i was heading for doom…i was sinking and couldnt save myself.
    However, over time, after, lots and lots and i mean lots of bruised skin, swollen eyes and eye hemorrage, as well as damaged property, deliberately destroying my phones, he didnt buy me, ….in short he was a nightmare that i loved, and still love him.
    dont even think i can love another. i jilted him, and it wasnt easy, cos he knew i was a real deal he couldnt keep any longer, i left and never looked back.
    its only been 5 months now since then, but i am very certain i made the best decision ever, a decision and choice i know i would see the positive end in the future.

    IF THEY DONT CHANGE TO GET YOU, THEY WOULD NEVER CHANGE TO KEEP YOU.
    IF HE CAN HIT YOU, ONCE, TWICE AND THE THIRD TIME, RUN!!!

    UNLESS YOU HAVE A DESTINY TO LIVE A MISERABLE LIFE.

    XOXO

  44. Kelly says:

    I wouldn’t class myself as abused or as a victim nor would I say I am in an abusive relationship, but I know something isn’t right,, iv been with my boyfriend for 6 years, and at first everything was fine I had complete trust and faith in him that he would never hurt me but last year on new years eve he attacked me he head butted me an d punched me twice in the face and ragged me around a little then we he got arrested he was laughing at me from the back of the police car as I was on the ground crying ,I lied to the police and said he never touched me they released him and we got a taxi home when we got home he said he didn’t remember doing it and said he would leave I begged him to stay and we sorted things out then a couples of months later we was arguing on the stairs and he threw me down the stairs I was OK I was not Injured however I did land on my dog which mortified me ndsince then every month or 2 months or so he has an outburst never out of the blue we will have always been arguing first he never does it for no reason but now he either pushes me or throws things in my direction once he threw a coffee over me and my 7week old puppy I’m not saying I’m completely innocent I am quite a high rated person I have mood swings and sometimes stomp around slamming doors ect however I have never thrown smashed or hit anything he trysx to get me tohit him but I’m scared he does that so if I do he can batter me and justify it every time he has an outburst he always says ” i am sorry kelly but its because of ur attitude” or something along those lines I hate to admit it but I’m genuinely scared off him and he knows it because I told him thinking it would shock him into stopping but nothing has changed I love him so much I don’t know what to do or if there’s even a problem this could be normal for all I know he’s the only real boyfriend of ever had

  45. Anon male says:

    Yeah, from my persective, my girlfriends constant moods, blaming, anger, lack of responsibility, over time eroded my sense of composure until i broke and loose my shit. Yeah ok, its always the mans fault, so i guess its my fault for putting up with such nonsense in the first place.

  46. Mel says:

    Wow this is exactly everything I have been going through! We have a one year old and have been together for 4 years. Engaged for the last year. The first year was amazing.. the rest was/is miserable and exhausting. I get criticized on a daily basis. When he’s angry he’ll call me the most hurtful names!! I’m constantly left crying and it’s affecting my self esteem, my livelihood. I’m loosing my confidence. The man whose supposed to love me treats me like dirt! I’m actually starting to believe some of the things he’s said! It’s so confusing and emotionally draining!! He knows that I’m trying hard to lose the last 10 lbs I gained during my pregnancy with our daughter. Instead of motivating me he calls me fat, unattractive! I’m 5’4 and weigh 138!!! He has also said that my boobs are saggy and not perky like they used to be. Excuse me I’ve been breast feeding our daughter for the past year! He is insensitive and just plain cruel!! I shouldn’t feel like shit about myself after having a child I should be proud of myself and the amazing baby girl I gave life to. I have never gotten an apology for his behavior, just excuses. And according to him everything is always my fault. I’m the one with all the flaws he magnifies and dramatizes everything that’s “wrong” with me.. I feel so disrespected and under appreciated! Living like this has made me so depressed. I’ve been thinking about leaving him for a while now but I’m scared of loosing my daughter to him. He always threatens me and tells me he’s taking the baby if I leave! I feel like I’m stuck in a toxic place… Help please

  47. Chris says:

    I have been with my partner for 5 years now, I have a daughter that always comes first and a sick grandmother that is dying, I spend time up there before coming home and recently she is telling me that I don’t give her any time and don’t give her the attention she needs. I get home at about 730 to 8 every night and stay up, cook for her and I cuddle her and rub her back. But said that she needs more. I thought she would under stand my situation and has a daughter of her own that she is mean too and yells at her. I don’t know how to deal with such an angry person.

  48. Adrianna says:

    I am in a distant relationship and it’s as messy as anything can get. We’ve been dating for over an year and he pretty much tries to control everything I do, who I talk to, demands to see my phone and gets angry on the daily pretty much. I’m 19 and he is 24. He has major drinking problems and gets really verbally abusive, i thought he is only abusive when he is drunk but a month ago when he came for my birthday, I saw him as something I could never even imagine.. On my birthday, we went a double date, so it was me, my boyfriend, his friend and friends gf and my boyfriends friend was a very talkative person and he spoke to me a bit about random stuff and since he was telling jokes, we were all laughing and we were all having few drinks.. none of us were drunk of even close to that, when they left, my boyfriend started acting very weird and I asked him what’s wrong and he slapped me because I was talking to his friend and laughing at his jokes and he says, did I tell you to do that? Did I give you permission? It was just heartbreaking.. I tried justifying myself to him but he wouldn’t listen and when I wanted to call his friend and his gf from the next room cse my bf hit me, he held my neck and dropped me on the bed and then after a while he flipped switches because I was just begging him to let go of me and I was crying, i don’t even know why he started crying!? And then I thought it was cse of alcohol, and he felt sorry for what he did and i forgave him.. the next day when he was driving and I was trying to talk things out to him that if there is something you don’t want me to do, tell me, don’t hit me.. he goes on to tell me that I did such a thing so I got a slap for it, he had no guilt or remorse.. And when Things are extremely normal between us, he will all of a sudden get angry about something that happened ages ago(ex. I replied a text after 11 and didn’t tell him so he considers it as cheating although I explained myself over and over again that there was nothing as such) and he will start speaking about break up and then if I agree to leave because that’s what he wants, he will soon start hitting himself and cutting himself and has even threatened me so many times, I felt it was all because of alcohol and I love him, I wanted to help him.. but he doesn’t want to help himself, he has promised me a thousand times already that he will stop drinking but he just doesn’t. I don’t know what to do ☹️

  49. Suu says:

    I am a girl,23 years old.
    I have always doubts about my boyfriend that he will be cheating me behind my back.
    However , he’s been so good to me for 2 years.
    He never cheated me.
    But i always have this feeling about him.
    2 days ago, we got into a fight in his car.
    He started saying shit words about me that I couldn’t help it and i slapped him on the face.
    As a result, he started hitting me so hard and pulled me by my hair out of the car and left me on the road.
    He claims that he did this because he couldn’t handle my continuous doubts while he was completely loyal to me.
    He got so nervous from me.
    I really don’t know what to do.
    I loved him so much. It is my fault not to trust him, but is it normal what he did?
    I am so confused and i can’t live without him and i can’t accept him again.
    Please help me.

  50. confused says:

    I’m confused. Beyond confused. A couple weeks ago, I decided that yes, he is abusive. But his reasoning for what he does makes so much sense.
    I’m 17, and he’s 18.
    We’ve been together for almost a year now, and we’ve been in a long distance relationship for about 4 months since I moved across the country. In the beginning of our relationship, we would fight a lot.. Because he didn’t want me having guy friends. And I didn’t want to stop being friends with them, but I eventually have in and dropped all of them. Weeks went by, and eventually he wanted me to stop being friends with a girl this time.. My best friend. He would always blame things on her, saying that it’s her fault that we fight sometimes since she does have the tendency to talk about boys. Since the beginning he was very jealous and he even told me himself that he’s possessive.. We fought all the time. And eventually it got to a point that he started calling me mean names, and I couldn’t talk to ANYONE anymore. And I had to be texting him constantly. I can’t get out of our text chat thing, or else heI’ll aassume I’m cheating. He’d always complain about me not posting enough about him on social media, even though everything was about him.. Or else he’d get mad..
    Then eventually he got physical with me. He spat in my face a few times, and we were in the same school, so he’d always “catch me looking at other guys” and he’d squeeze my hand and twist my fingers really hard.. One time he pinched my back and left a cut, and one day it got really bad at school. I was holding in so much pain already.. I felt isolated and alone. I’d get accused every day of cheating, and told that I was a horrible girlfriend. He caught me talking to one of my old girl friends, and I didn’t update him like I was supposed to.. I was supposed to tell him exactly what I was doing, every second of every day. But I didn’t. And he caught me, and he punched me in the jaw as I cried.
    I know that those times, I was being accused. But now, in this long distance relationship.. I’m confused.
    I’m not even sure that anyone will read this, so im not even sure if I should type it all. /:

  51. Rhiannon says:

    my husband beat me and wanted to have sex the same night with my face a mess. he has not apologized and says he hates my guts and if i dont get help hes leaving. i feel like im going crazy.

  52. Ashley says:

    When I was a child, my father would yell and scream at us while we cried. He’d confine us to our rooms and periodically come back to continue to yell at us. He never laid a hand on me, but this went on until I was old enough to move out. I began dating a man named Bryan about 4 years ago. He was charming and he made me feel like I was special. About two months into the relationship, we were fighting about him playing videogames all day and he forced me faced down on to the bed and screamed at me to shut my F-ing mouth. He held me there. I didn’t move, I just cried. Then shortly after he acted like nothing had happened. As the relationship progressed, his abusive behaviors escalated. He dislocated my jaw by elbowing me in the face. He threw me onto a box of metal pots. He would put me in a choke hold to “shut me up.” He forced himself upon me on more than one occasion. He called himself a dom and he felt sexually gratified when I would submit. But he took it too far. Rape is rape. I realized he wouldnt change after 2 years of this. So we broke up. One month later, I met a new man. My first impression was, this guy is pretty weird, but I love talking to him. I felt like I could be my true self. He was immediately jealous of one of my closest friends. I ended the friendship because of it. I told him, “If its between you and him, I choose you.” When I go out (which is only when he is away on business) he always calls me and he will accuse me of things and fight with me until I leave. He will yell and call me names through out any disagreement we may have. I often just end up crying. He has put two holes in our walls due to his unbridled anger. He says it’s okay because I did the same thing. I kicked the wall with my heel while I was in bed. It was an accident. I felt so bad for damaging the house, but it was by no means the same kind of thing that he does when he flies into a rage. He restrained me when we were fighting. This time I was restrained on the floor. He screamed in my face. It reminded me of being a child. It reminded me of what the last guy did before he started actually hitting me. He keeps telling me he’s going to see a therapist. He wants me to see one too. I feel that I could use therapy, but not for the reasons he’s saying. He uses this to negate his own obligation to get therapy for himself. “You haven’t gone yet either,” is the typical excuse. I used to feel like I could talk to him about anything and now I’m told to “Shut the **** up. Don’t interrupt me.” I still feel so deeply connected him. We do click together so well when he’s not angry with me. He has helped and supported me in so many ways. He is so loving and gentle a large majority of the time. He is also funny. He’s kind to others and has strong morals and for the most part, good character. He’s incredibly empathetic. He tries to do right by others. He feels guilty for his actions when he yells. He always apologizes. He says he needs help. He will cry because he believes he is becoming his father who was extremely abusive to his mother. I love him so much, but I’m scared that this can’t work. I know how dangerous it is for people like us to be together, but I also believe that this is a healing process we may be able to approach together. He has made progress. Now he will stop himself if he is losing control. He tries, but he needs more help. I believe he can do it. He has already changed so much for me. He stopped smoking. He stopped watch porn to improve our intimacy, which has been a spiritually moving change in our relationship. I identify with so many of these women’s stories. Its easy to say that these people do not deserve our love, compassion and empathy, but ultimately everyone is flawed and deserves forgiveness. Until it happens to you, its very difficult to understand. It’s choosing to stay or leave that is the hard part. I hope to God he gets the treatment he so desperately needs. I made a doctors appointment for myself. Hopefully we can make it through this together. He is such a huge piece of my world. I can’t imagine my life without him.

  53. Sabrina says:

    I Have something to say when I shouldn’t say it my man hits me only when we argue and it hurts me Everytime he calls me a bitch and a slut the reason he tells me those stuff is cause I tell him the same thing I called him an Asshole and a dumbass because I have no trust on him I always blame him that’s hes cheating on me so he got to the point that he pulls my hair pushes me to the ground kicks me slaps me on my face tells me im stupid that I don’t know how to be a women or cook when I do I clean the house I cook for him and my baby boy wishes he is 2 years old. And I have told him why you hitting me im not hitting you I said to him be a man and if you are so upset with me go outside walk away from me is way better then hitting me he said if I walk away you are going to think im going to **** a girl and to be honest I do think that of him Everytime Iam so jealous over a TV and even when we go out I think wrong like if he staring at a girl butt or anything I feel I need help too and im going to say it… I have a disability and he knows it I have major depressive disorder I cry alot and he hates it he use to be this sweet guy he used to not hit me he use to walk away he even said it out of his own mouth I don’t hit women cause they are not dogs and i told him what happen that day you told me that you don’t hit women cause they are not dogs to be hitting for. I still remember every word he used to tell me he use to respect me before now he doesn’t maybe cause it was me Iam so jealous and he never cheat on me we about to be 5 years together and we have a baby boy he is 2 and im going to be honest I have hit my man 2 I pocked him I slap him I chocked him that was when we didn’t have my baby yet is it that’s why he is hitting me back as a revenge cause I did it is it me that ruined or relationship ia. Jealous I don’t even let me go out o ly outside our home and I even stalk him if he’s starring at girls or not. Please let me know is it him or me I think is both of us.

  54. Nevada_kid says:

    I’m a 30 year old male. Lately i’ve been coming to the realization that i’m in an abusive relatioship. I have been yelled at, threaten, had my stuff broken, had to buy stuff to appease, bow down and apologize, and recently I got scratched in the face and have a lip swollen and with a cut. I’m wearing make-up to cover the 2 scars. She did say I did it to myself because I didn’t listen and I make her angry. We live with my parents and they are aware of the yelling. I have talked to my mother several times about signs of abuse and how communication is important. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it does happen to guys. I’m not a Macho Man who is tough and drives fast and has a lot of testostarone. I’m quiet and she’s vocal. I get shy and i don’t have friends. Most of the time in arguments, I ave to admit that it was all my fault and I am a jack*ss and I purposely wanted to start the argument. If I have to cover my lip with make-up one more time and cover any other scars in the future, I will end this. I know I make mistakes. But no man deserves to be physically hurt the way I get hurt. I don’t stay out at night drinking. I don’t cheat or flirt with girls. I work full time. I don’t yell when I get mad and I don’t push when they push me. But now that I stood up recent;y, the physical and verbal attacks have gotten worse. It’s ok to stand up to someone. Just keep your calm and don’t be consumed by anger.

  55. Jake says:

    Going through the same thing I’ve been with my fiance for 2 years. Everything started out great, the sex our conversations we would have and the time we spent together seemed almost to perfect. But 6 months in i should have known there were warning signs our little fights would turn into full blown arguments and constantly accusing me for everything. I needed to change I shouldn’t have made her mad I piss her off constantly. She dropped me off 2 miles away from our apartment one night because we got into a disagreement, my side of the story is always wrong or she will yell over me talking to not listen to me. Recently last weekend I didn’t make a dollar bag of chicken rice the way she wanted so she threw a wooden spatula at my head, and out of anger I walked away and threw our dining room chair at the other end of the living room because I felt so trapped and afterwards she repeatedly hit me and threw the boiling hot rice that still had a bunch of water in it I have burns on my back and my arm. After all of this we sat down and I apologies for throwing the chair in anger and not one time did I get an apology for her hitting me with a spatula hitting me and burning me. My life has been threatened multiple times within the past year I’ve been told I I leave she will just kill herself. I have cut all of my friends off I quit doing hobbies I use to do I spend my nights at home every night and sleeping to either avoid her wrath or wallow in my own self pitty. I have no free money/finances she asks everytime I get paid how much I make and my bank account is drained every week and put into her account I feel powerless and useless we no longer make love like we use I have no sex drive I love her to death but I’m scared to death of the woman she has became. This is not the person I met 2 years ago..

  56. coco says:

    Nicole, Rachel, ladies-you are not alone! As you see and read through each and everyone of your stories, we see a reflection of “our abuser.” I reach through and see my life-what I lived. Marie, your story is almost like taking a page out of my life. Nicole, I must tell you that the “nice” guy and the “monster” are all one. The reality is that he (or in the case of men-she) is not nice. It is all an “act” until you wake up and see for yourself. You will deny what I tell you because when he is playing the nice guy, you just cant conceive him to be that monster. We make excuses for them, suffer with them, sacrifice the world and at the end, they will drop you! They will move on. Dont waste a single moment of your life in him. You will lose your youth. I tell you first hand experience and lived the lives all you ladies have mentioned. The narcissist abandoned me and the children shy of 2 months having received chemotherapy and radiation for cancer. What followed were lies that I could never imagine he was like that! While still struggling with health issues, I picked myself up! No time for emotions because I have children! No time for anything else but rebuilding my world-and finding myself. I got myself an attorney, signed up for school, I worked part-time and realized oneday how much more I could’ve had without this man! I spent 26 years married to him. Now ladies, I am going to spend the rest of whatever life God gives me enjoying myself! Doing the things I liked! Finally! They will steal your identity! I hope many of you come to realize this since I see some posts are from 2014. I want you to read this to reassure each and everyone of you that there is life and a world of possibilities waiting for each and everyone of you! Take it and run-never look back and regret! Goodluck to all wherever you are today!

  57. Mira says:

    I have been with my couple during two years, we met in a foreigner country. He’s a Muslim, I’m a Non-Muslim. Since we were living both alone far away from home every thing in our relation was so easy. Seeing every day and sharing everything. We moved in together one month later. Every thing was going wonderful, I started to fall in love with him so deeply and I have been like this until now. Currently, I’m in home but he said he missed me much, he’s willing to buy a ticket for me to come back, even propose to marriage. I have many doubts, he’s willing to do every thing for me, but I do need to sacrifice many things, like leave my family which he doesn’t like.
    Every thing sounds so good right?
    I’m not an easy person, I like to say what I think and I always believe in man and woman have the same rights. Which he doesn’t understand.
    He always said my ideas are stupid, and that all decisions I made lead to a wrong result so I should not think by myself as he takes better decisions.
    Every thing started one time we both got drunk; he started to dance with a friend and I thought I could do the same but in the moment I did he got so mad he started to call me bitch and pushed me. Which no one did before (I was a person very proud of myself for never letting anyone hurt my self-esteem). I got so angry I instantly slapped him without thinking (my mistake) he slapped me back. We broke up for almost 1 week. I thought I had also a mistake so I forgave each other. After that every thing got change, every time he’s mad, he screams on me, he tells me I’m stupid. Even, he abused me many times (verbally and physically) mostly, when he’s drunk. I never hit him again.
    But he always said is because of me, I did one mistake and I did not please him so it lead to a very bad situation or because I’m a bad woman ( I said what I always think). I really love him, and I wanna the things work out with him. But I’m not sure if that could happen now. I’m not sure this happens because our cultures differences, because he’s a Muslim.
    Every time he gets angry (sometimes for no logical reason).
    Now I don’t know if I’m the violent person or him. I just love him so much I always want to please him and even sometimes the things he wants are against my will. I’m really confuse and I don’t know what to do as he talks about me to come back within a week now..

  58. Penny says:

    My fiancé was probably subtlety emotionally abusive all along (but now it’s really bad). I thought it was just communication problems we could work through. He has always told me I was overreacting, to sensitive or couldn’t “take a joke” when I bring up something that he said or did that hurts my feelings that he doesn’t think is a big deal. I have often been accused of overreacting, even to very real problems (in this case, our baby’s health problems).

    Things eased up significantly and we got engaged and became pregnant. Those were good times. Once baby came, things got bad. Baby wouldn’t sleep at night, but fiancé worked nights, so I was experiencing a level of sleep deprivation for 4 months that was bordering on dangerous. I am sure I wasn’t the most pleasant to be around. But in anger, he threw a mug and shattered it. I told him it scared me and he told me he wanted to do so much more and that most guys would do more. He started calling me a bitch, calling me stupid, belittling my hard work around the house. He told me that I never did anything for him, only the baby (I was doing all cooking and cleaning at this point). When we disagree, he stonewalls (he has always done that, but now we live in a tiny place with a baby and it is difficult to avoid him for a week like I had to do before).

    The other day, he mistook my concern for “disrespect” (something he has become hyper focused on and frequently thinks if I disagree about anything that it is disrespect) and told me it wasn’t worth talking to me about anything. He started stonewalling and told me not to talk with him anymore. I just couldn’t stuff it down anymore and ignored his request to stop talking. I raised my voice (so what, I am human) and told him he was disrespectful to me constantly, that I was tired of his criticism and rude remarks. He flew into a rage, throwing several things and breaking them. I was holding our baby (who screamed), so took us to the other room to be safe.

    We did not talk for 2 days. When I said today that I needed to talk when he was ready, he said we had nothing to talk about because he shouldn’t have to tell me again what I did wrong (apparently disrespecting him when I was only expressing concern, which he wouldn’t let me explain). I told him that actually we did need to talk. I told him it was not good for me to keep talking when he asked for a pause, but that the way he handled his anger at me was inappropriate, especially in front of our 9 month old.

    Here is where things get crazy. He says me feeling scared isn’t of his concern. I learned that he claims I “drove” him to it because I was being a bitch and it was the only way to get me to shut up. He admits he has anger issues but refuses to accept responsibility for his anger, as it was my fault. He says he had to throw something to keep from slapping me and that I deserved to be slapped: if it were one of his guy friends, he would have punched him. I said I can’t believe I just heard those words from your mouth. No one in an intimate relationship ever deserves to be slapped. He said “this is the real world. There is violence.” I said “not in our house. None of us should ever feel afraid.”
    He still sees nothing wrong with what he said and I told him I don’t know what to say, but I don’t want to raise my son to think it is ok to call names, belittle or throw things in anger.

    He refuses therapy, individual or couples. I am afraid he will never change, since he won’t do anything about his anger issues and own childhood abuse issues. My self esteem has slowly been eroding and I am concerned about our son growing up this way. Right now, my fiancé is a good dad, but I can’t help but think that when he is older and does something my fiancé views as “disrespectful” that my fiancé will start calling him names, belittling him, ignoring him (which feels so horrible to not be seen…that’s how I feel all the time) and intimidating him by throwing things in rage. He says he would never slap me, but I worry about our son…if my fiancé says he would have already punched me if I were a guy friend.

    I’m worried maybe I should just leave now. I’m getting into therapy myself.

  59. Natalie says:

    I wish i had someone to talk to.I feel very alone. Many of the things said here are part of my story too. Sometimes I hate him. Twenty three years and i still cry when he calls me names. Sometimes.
    So many years I spent believing it was all my fault. It wasnt untill not too long ago i started wondering if he is abusive.I think after all this time id still believe its my fault if i didnt read my story in some of the posts before me. Im probably not making alot of sense. Im sitting in my closet because i feel safe in here ,even though he went to bed already.sometimes when we argue i know I should be quiet but I just want him to hear me so badly, so I just say” please listen,please let me talk” he never does. Im not supposed to say things like “always and never,” it’s something that sets him off.. But its true..he has never calmed down and listened to me with respect and compassion. He says what he wants, twists what i say, talks over me,yells,calls me names, shuts down and tell me to get the eff away from him or go the eff away. Usually its over small things. The worst is if im ever in a bad mood. Its like that isnt allowed somehow. Anyway, ive been trying so hard to be a better person so the name calling ,heart breaking words and yelling stop.If i didnt push he wouldnt yell, if i had a different tone or used different words he wouldnt get angry and if i didnt argue when im wrong he wouldnt call me hurtfull names. I sound weak even to my own self. For people who dont live on this side of things its impossible to explain why i even stay. Maybe im just too broken after all these years and the pain of what i know is more comfortable than the joy of what i dont.

  60. jomiami305 says:

    I am writing this while Im on break at my job (wirh tears). I am in a relationship with a man who is physically mentally and emotionally abusive. He is controlling and a hypocrite.  He has cheated on me multiple times and now he wants me to take a lie detector test.  I want to take it to prove myself but another side of me wants to grab my kids and run. I am starting to hate him with every fiber in my body. He has a child support case against I feel like he won't take a DNA test because he knows it is his child.  Plus he called my job trying to get me fired. Not to mention all the jobs he made so difficult for me to work. What really makes this sad is after all that he demands sex like nothing happened and after staring at porn in front of me and our children for HOURS.Which has resulted in my 9 year old daughter being curious looking at these sites that her father leaves up on the internet.I hate that I stayed this long. I feel so worthless every day of my life. The only thing I am is a punching bag to him. I hate my life with him. If I had somewhere for me and my kids to go without him knowing I would take it in a heartbeat. He accuses me of cheating when he cheated 5 Times and he couldn't be a man and tell me he was cheating he had to get caught. I have let him get too much power. I feel stupid because iI allowed him to control me and put me in bad financial situations. My credit is totally messed up because of the things I put in my name. But his credit is fine. He has threatened me to leave me with bills that he helped create and abandoned his children.  Our children loves him but the hate his attitude. My son says he is scared of him because he constantly yells and curses at him. My daught has told me so MANY times to leave her dad. I hate my life sometimes I wish I dont wake up but I know my kids will suffer.

  61. Anonymous says:

    I am in my early 30s, have a few kids, I have been on an emotional, confusing rollercoaster for 12 years now. Things seem great one minute and the next I’m feeling like aweful piece of ****, for lack of words.. shots are constantly thrown my way, in the past if I was late by a few minutes I was screamed at for ruining his plans. He’s always gone and when hes home I’m told that I kiss ass.. my whole demeanor changes when he Walks in the door. .. it’s always my fault one way or another for the dumbest stuff.. if I try and explain my feelings on an issue it’s automatically not a reasonable way to think and that im crazy to think that way. . . I try to do things so he won’t be angry when he comes home, sometimes I feel depressed and just give up on household duties. i always feel the need to ask permission to go to the store or make plans. .. not sure why. We can be fighting and go to my moms and he acts like all is good tells people he treats me like gold and it is very angering.
    It’s very confusing because it seems like when it’s good it’s good and then it starts again And I remember how it isn’t good.. sometimes I feel crazy because I don’t know if I’m hapoy or not..
    in the past I’ve tried to leave but he locked me out and tells me the kids are staying, I won’t leave without my kids. That hasn’t happened in two years.

    I’m so confused

  62. Shauna says:

    I can’t have GB or nothing ex done same to me as this one does. But this one is more controlling….ect…help please..

  63. Colleen says:

    I’m not sure what to do and I feel like I’m going to sound ridiculous. Last night I went to order food with my boyfriend of almost two years. I was taking too long to order and went to ask the cashier a question and he yelled at me in front of the staff. They very looked completely shocked and I did everything I could not to tear up and complete my order. He has done this before. I never say my order loudly enough, I’m never quick enough, and I get really nervous. It’s usually cashiers that he yells at me in front of, he’s also snapped at me in front of his family and looks at them shaking his head. If he berates me and I look sad, he starts with something like “you always do that and it’s so frustrating”, and I’ve also been told I’m too sensitive. I’m not sure if this is normal or this is abuse. Yesterday I said something about the staffs reaction, he said they were annoyed with me and I said they felt sorry for me, this made him angry. I know he gets angry with people at work. I know his ex used to publically berate him as well. I know he had an alcoholic father who he used to physically fight with (he’s never mean when he drinks though). He never apologizes, he will just try to say something normal after like nothing happened and lift up the mood. Today I am sitting alone while he is at work, I feel so small, there is a small lump in my throat, and I have no appetite. He’s going to ask what I got up to and I’m going to tell him that I read. I don’t know how to talk to him about it, he is mostly kind, happy, and caring, but he nit picks, and publically snaps at me. Do I work with him, try to take the criticism, or leave? Not a single friend or family member knows because it’s so embarassing and they think he’s amazing. I know this is nowhere near as extreme as the situation that most women, and men are in, on this discussion forum. Any suggestions. I really care about him. I know he’s good. I don’t know what to do. Thank you for reading.

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