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Warning Signs – Blames you for his/her anger

NOTE: We are re-posting this article on Warning Signs – Blames You for His/Her Anger to allow you to read some of the excellent comments we’ve received from those who are or have been in an abusive relationship. Please be aware that these comments are for informational purposes only; we cannot verify the validity of each individual comment. If you need help, please contact a professional organization such as loveisrespect.org at 1-866-331-9474.

DASH’s early warning signs are meant to guide you in determining whether your relationship is healthy. In this series of articles, we will explore each warning sign in more depth so that you will have a better idea about what each sign means and if you need to address a problem in your relationship.

Our fourth early warning sign of abuse is:

Blames you for his or her anger

Being angry is a normal part of being human. A person can be angry over little irritations or huge problems, but it is the way that person deals with those feelings that can reveal a potential abuser. Has your partner ever said something like “You made me hit you” or “You just make me so mad” or “If you wouldn’t make me jealous, I wouldn’t be so angry”? This kind of reaction is a classic sign of abuse – blaming you for the anger he/she feels. Your partner’s reaction to situations is important to understand.

We’ve all been late. We’ve all had misunderstandings. We’ve all said things we didn’t mean. We’ve all been angry over petty things. Yet, most of us let the anger slide after cooling off a bit. An abuser will not take responsibility for his/her own actions and reactions. An abuser who cannot control his/her anger will lash out at the one thing he/she can control: you. Your partner will claim that YOUR actions need to be changed. If your partner gets angry when you are late (especially through no fault of your own), he/she will berate you about it. If your partner is jealous when you spend time with friends, he/she will demand that you stop seeing those friends. If you try explain a misunderstanding, your partner will dismiss your reasoning. In all these scenarios, an abusive partner blames you. (Notice that many of the early warning signs we wrote about earlier build upon one another.)As a result of placing the blame on you, the abuser feels entitled to his/her reaction to the situation whether it is physical or emotional abuse. The partner then blames you again for “making” them abuse you. It becomes an endless cycle. Even if you do everything in your power to please your partner, there is always something that will set him/her off. You end up living your life to avoid your partner’s “triggers.” You give up favorite hobbies, hanging out with friends and you begin to think that your partner is right – you are to blame for all the problems in the relationship.

Anger and abuse only escalate as the abuser gains more control over you and the relationship. If these examples sound like something that’s happening in your relationship, take a step back, confide in a trusted adult, and educate yourself about teen dating abuse.

If you determine that these warning signs are part of your relationship, remember: you are not alone. You may not know how to get help. You may be afraid to leave the situation. Abusers know that they can control you emotionally because no one wants to admit that someone else has treated them so poorly. Do not be ashamed. Dating abuse is not your fault. Recognize the signs of dating abuse and get help if your relationship exhibits any of these characteristics. You don’t have to handle this alone. Sharing can save your life. For confidential help, please call the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline: 1-866-331-9474.

loveisrespect.org, a collaboration of Break the Cycle and the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline, can now answer your questions and concerns via text message. Simply text “Love Is” to 77054 for confidential help. Normal texting fees apply.


34 Responses to Warning Signs – Blames you for his/her anger

  1. Nicole says:

    The lives that we women live and the hard times that we must face. The strength of a man that overpowers us in many ways. They will never truly see or care to understand that their ways are wrong. We as abused know it is wrong, painful, hurtful, and vile. Why can we not face that we yes do love them however no they do not truly love us and respect us s why is it so hard to leave them? I hate love and have grown to be so angry as i know i do not deserve busted lips or broken bones or a broken heart. I feel as though i am completely lost in the relationship and completely in love but do not want to be if this is what is caused any more. I have always made the wrong choice in men and I hate love. Love fears me. I am alone and always will be

    • Rachel S says:

      Dear Nicole,
      When I read your response I felt like I had written it myself. I was
      just trying to help my Mom understand what I am going through with my
      boyfriend of 2 years. Although he is not always abusive, he has been
      on many occasions. Far too many times to count, with less being physical
      he always seems to verbally put me down find a way to keep the power
      on his side. I love him dearly, the person I met in the beginning, the
      person I see a glimpse of from time to time and the person I know is
      struggling to make it through his very dark moments. The same moments
      I allow myself to be part of just to be with him. I too am sad, very angry at times, although I don’t allow myself to be most of the time
      because I believe in trying to keep my thoughts positive. I feel alone,
      not that I can’t find another person, or someone who will love me too. It’s mostly because he has my heart, and without feeling his love in
      return I am left alone, even without love to give because I almost feel
      dead inside. The power I have allowed him to have over me has deepened
      my feeling of insecurity in the world. Because I know I cannot be the
      best person I truly am if he holds my heart captive in this very dark
      place. I know I have to rescue myself, and right now I am just not
      strong enough to do this. I am so sorry you feel the way you do, or did
      as I realize you wrote this in August. Either way, I hope your life
      has been brighter and you have found a way back to loving yourself and
      the beauty in the world. Take care, Rachel

    • Marie says:

      I have been feeling this way for 3 years. In the beginning we had so many problems to begin with, as he was not ready to settle down, yet I had fallen head over heels from day 1. Since then, in a nutshell these are some of the issues and things I have dealt with/ heard:

      -“no one ever in my life has made me as angry as you. I am a nice guy and you bring out the monster in me”

      -living in a constant battle to be heard. everything HE says is right, there is hardly any room for flexibility- things that he is entitled to feel or say I am not. Ex) you take too long to answer a text/bbm and are accused or “acting weird” or in general,I will hear about it. If he doesn’t answer and you pose a question in a similar way, “hey are you there it’s been a while since you’ve answered”….I would receive a reply of “OMFG you cunt, bitch , insert any horrible name, I M BUSY NOW FUCK OFF AND I WILL MSG U WHEN I CAN!!”.

      -constant breaking up with me over my “inability to change and make him happy”- something correct one day will be a deal breaker the next so I am constantly on eggshells. During these breakups he invites his ex gf over, and I can count a dozen or more times this has happened, only to hear a week or two later he misses me, comes back and all is well for another WEEK.

      -severe mood swings- sickly loving to extreme hatered

      -threating me that he will be happy one day, just watch, etc. he will call his ex over if I cannot make him happy or change

      when he is loving it is amazing and you feel it could really work. You become sucked in time after time, knowing that the “good” one u see isn’t really trying to hurt you intentionally. Then the evil one comes out again and you are left simply hating yourself for being so dumb

    • Jeff says:

      Just a quick comment. As you can probably tell by my name I am a male and the comment I want to make is it is not also the female that gets the anger thrown at them. I am in a normally loving relation ship but when the stress pours on my girlfriend all the crap and frustration she feels get heaved on me and she gets extremely hurtful. I know she might not mean it at least I hope she doesnt but non the less it still hurts(what she says and how she treats me). We have been together 8 years and it has been good for a while and then BAM here comes the fricken steam roller. I just want to say females are not always the vent for the anger. Thanks

  2. Destiny says:

    I go through this all the time and its like he hates me. The next day he acts as if nothing happened at all. It scares me to even confront him about anything that he does wrong, he will just call me a bitch, or punch something. He always tells me that I am the only girl that he has ever had to act like this towards. I cant be myself around him. I know its wrong I wasn’t raised like this but its so hard to beak off feelings. And we live together that makes it real hard.I just need someone to talk to, I all alone.

    • Kittycookies says:

      I hear that from my abusive jerk partner too.He never hit anyone in his life until me.He yells and calls me crazy and justifies everything he is wrong about.He lately defends other men in the media like Chris Brown.The best line was when he said “Well maybe next time Rhianna will not tell everyone their business.I told him he was nuts.He even treats insects better than me.

    • Margaret says:

      That’s so hard. There are women’s crisis help lines and you can get help with support groups ther who will help you identify the abuse cycle and how to get out or address it. They also can put you up in a safe motel or supportive house. Get help please today and also have a bag packed somewhere hidden with your important papers. Act now.

  3. ANNA says:

    Hello Destiny
    I’m a 60 year old grandma who married someone like that when I was 24. I’ve been “alone” like that all my life because I kept it secret.
    I’ve been denied to use the car, go anywhere by myself or have friends.
    I’ve been harassed over what I wear and about my work relationships,
    with implications that I cheat on him everyday, often at 5:00 in the a.m.
    I work, he doesn’t. My children love him. My grandkids love him.
    It’s hard to leave when you have had everything taken from you except your income. When you have no friends its even harder.
    Don’t do what I did.

    • Margaret says:

      That’s not living. That’s being in prison. You can leave. Contact your domestic violence hot line or crisis center for group counseling. You deserve a good stress free life. Require that of yourself.

  4. donna says:

    I am a 49yr old woman who has been in abusive relationships to this day. I am not stupid I have know deep inside myself that this is not acceptable behavior. But I have such a difficult time walking away from these men. Please if you could give me some advice as to why I allow this to happen to me it may help me stop.thank you!

    • Dear Donna,
      Unfortunately,we cannot provide professional counseling for your situation, but we suggest you contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or the website at http://www.thehotline.org. The Hotline is staffed by professionals who can guide you on what steps to take to help your situation as well as inform you of the resources in your state.

      Thank you for contacting us and we hope you will seek out these resources.
      The DASH Team

    • Margaret says:

      It’s normal because it’s so traumatizing it’s exhausting to get out and often were poor. I did though I got a hold of the women’s crisis center and got counseling so I could get stronger and know his abuse was not my fault. Inwalked over a mountain to get away. I traveled on a little bike when I was 58. I rode buses was homeless in a tent and eventually it got better. You can do it but go to the safe houses and meetings to shore up your wounded self. You are worth having a peaceful life. Take charge now. Or soon

  5. Marie says:

    I have been feeling this way for 3 years. In the beginning we had so many problems to begin with, as he was not ready to settle down, yet I had fallen head over heels from day 1. Since then, in a nutshell these are some of the issues and things I have dealt with/ heard:

    -“no one ever in my life has made me as angry as you. I am a nice guy and you bring out the monster in me”

    -living in a constant battle to be heard. everything HE says is right, there is hardly any room for flexibility- things that he is entitled to feel or say I am not. Ex) you take too long to answer a text/bbm and are accused or “acting weird” or in general,I will hear about it. If he doesn’t answer and you pose a question in a similar way, “hey are you there it’s been a while since you’ve answered”….I would receive a reply of “OMFG you cunt, bitch , insert any horrible name, I M BUSY NOW FUCK OFF AND I WILL MSG U WHEN I CAN!!”.

    -constant breaking up with me over my “inability to change and make him happy”- something correct one day will be a deal breaker the next so I am constantly on eggshells. During these breakups he invites his ex gf over, and I can count a dozen or more times this has happened, only to hear a week or two later he misses me, comes back and all is well for another WEEK.

    -severe mood swings- sickly loving to extreme hatered

    -threating me that he will be happy one day, just watch, etc. he will call his ex over if I cannot make him happy or change

    -granted, I do tend to “not leave him alone” when he is mad, but I can never stop myself from franticly texting after he has had an outburst and ends shit once again- because it feels horrible and you feel so alone. This in turn fuels even more hateful words, “drop dead bitch”, ” c word, etc”

    when he is loving it is amazing and you feel it could really work. You become sucked in time after time, knowing that the “good” one u see isn’t really trying to hurt you intentionally. Then the evil one comes out again and you are left simply hating yourself for being so dumb.

    • Margaret says:

      Emotional abuse and verbal abuse. You are being abused terrible and it is so awful because he tells you it’s you but it’s him. He has control and abuse from inside of him. Go run as fast as you can to call crisis center hot line or go to support groups. You will be so broken if you Stacy. There are safe houses for you. He might rage if you try to leave. Please get help now.

  6. Vanessa S says:

    Just this past year he started to blame things on me. He won’t let me explain my side of the story, is extremely jealous, gets mad easily, and takes his anger out on me.
    I feel trapped, I want to leave but at the same time I can’t cuz I love him too much.
    We were planning on getting married. But, now I’m scared of what he’ll be like, but I still want it so badly.
    When we first started dating he always broke up with me, but then we’d get back together. Any other guy I would have told them to screw themselves … But it’s different with him … I just wish he’d get back to normal

    • Leslie says:

      Speaking as someone who married her verbally abusive boyfriend, expecting it to get better, … it doesn’t get better. Break up with him now. Don’t sign yourself up for further heartbreak of bitter divorce down the road or a life time of suffering. I knew I was making a risky choice when I agreed to marry him. I wish I could go back to my younger self and give this warning.

    • Margaret says:

      Well I would follow your old instincts. He’s setting up a pattern of good and bad. The bad times you so want good times back and you will endure all his crud. It’s addiction and abuse. Get out fast or go to counseling. My bet is he won’t. Get out then.

  7. Todd says:

    Hello everybody, my girlfriend left this page up for me to read then disappeared for the night, again.
    She says that I have anger issues and a few of the things I’ve read above sound similar to some things I have said and we have been through in the past.
    “I’m a nice guy, she is the only person in my life that can make me react the way I do.”
    -I’m not even going to say monster because that’s being dramatic.
    Now please let me take a step backwards and explain a few things, and I would love to hear feedback from this.

  8. Mark says:

    It happens to men also.

  9. Ellen says:

    I have been broken up with. Abruptly in the middle of a date, with someone who blamed me for not being a good listener, and for sharing my photographs of friends and nature. I have been accused of many character flaws which are not based in truth. Actually I am shy and slightly anxious, but I do care very deeply for and about others. I have close friends who treasure me. I accept my partners flaws but mine are exaggerated with armchair diagnoses, and distasteful statements about my body. I am feeling so sad.

  10. Jessica says:

    I feel like my bfast loves me but he needs help he hits me and pulls me back in when I try to leave then.he will always say he loves.me.and.can’t control his anger we been living together since we got together the reason I always came back.if I left was bc I.love him so much and I.just wanna see him get the help he needs and to make our relationship better

    • Margaret says:

      Leave now. Spouses who hit only get worse. Get help on how to leave your abuser safely to a safe house. Don’t go back they only get worse. Only 2 percent get better and only through intense counseling which most are not willing to do.

  11. Jessica says:

    2 wrongs don’t make a. Right but I found out he made a Facebook without me knowing and was talking to other girls my friend and other girls that didn’t like me I always wandered why he never trusted me around his friends but now I know and he does the same thing he will take Chris Brown’s side saying it’s alright to hit women if they feel like their gin hit back and blah blah blah he’s to smart for his own actions when I talked to one guy he went nuts completely lost it and I always told him you can kill me by talking to all these hoes but when I hit one dude up you throw the biggest temper ever I feel like he can’t handle a women who is beautiful and knows that other guys are gone talk to his girl but it’s all up to her on how she controls it and it’s all up.to him to control himself around other girls
    Also he told me he hit them up to.make.me.mad bc all these guys was hitting on.me making him feel lost and then one day we both went to.job corps he got to go their without me first for a month and it took me a.month or 2 to get where he was he’d always call me every night asking me if I ever cheated on.him.and ask where I’m at and will say I don’t believe you hoe and call.me a bitch and a slut then after we both get out of job corps a month or 2 later he tells me this girl at job corps tried to fuck him and he said he denied her well I believe she gave him head and he said I didn’t.feel right cuz I’m taken and she didn’t care and he told me after job corps cuz he said he didn’t want no drama between me and her then ever since that has happens he started to hit me and acusse me again and again all bc I talked to one guy

  12. Robin says:

    I am a 27 year old female. Ive been married and divorced and now remarried. My first husband was extremely controlling, possessive, jealous, the whole nine yards. Once I got out I promised myself and my children to never subject us to that again. However, bc he was so extreme…it desensitized me to the beginning signs of abuse that would be considered “lesser”. Ive heard other women saying things like…he doesnt hit me like my ex did, but i hate the way he talks down to me. He belittles me like im a stupid child. It starts small. Listen to those little nagging red flags that pop up when he starts isolating you from your friends for whatever reason…..it may sound reasonable at the time and you may agree just to keep peace. but it is NOT worth it. He will demand space for himself, his friends, family, interests, wants…but not make provisions for yours. Anytime you attempt to stand up for yourself he will beat you back down emotionally or physically to take away your self confidence. This keeps you in check and submission. Like i said it starts small. It creeps up on you.
    You may not be at this point yet with your significant other. But ask yourself…..when you have an issue you want to discuss……is he usually defensive? Has he blames his reaction on your tone of voice or aggressive body language or choice of words or timing? Does he ALWAYS have a reason to get defensive or angry? Does he usually turn the argument back around on you? Does he ignore all your reasoning and expressions of emotion…and instead tries to get you to focus on the things youve done wrong that make him mad? Ask yourself…….does he show any other emotions during an argument besides defensiveness and anger? Sincerity? Love? Understanding? Respect? If this sounds familiar…then you are heading into a toxic relationship.
    It was easier for my ex husband to deflect the focus onto my wrong doings..to exhaust me with defending myself so HE wouldnt have to admit and work on his own issues. Mne like this are intent on “misunderstanding” all of your begging and pleading to “change”.
    Then you have the men that do not know how to show any other emotion except anger, resentment, defensiveness, jealousy etc. They feel all of these emotions simultaneously and often times cannot differentiate which one is surfacing. Lets face it nobody wants to be critisized…but these people take it to a whole new level. They KNOW how theyre treating you is wrong and ugly. Once you call out his actions and put a name to it….jealousy…bitterness….resentment….etc….hell argue over whether or not it is or isnt that term. This is another deflection tactic. He will nit pick out the small insignificant details of what you are saying to distract you from making your point. The moment he realizes the point you are trying to make him see he thwarts any further progress for a solution. If ANY of this sounds familiar then it is time to stop being in denial. you ARE in an abusive relationship. Dont wait until it escalates to physical abuse. This abuse is damaging enough.

    • Lisa says:

      Wow……you just described my situation. I’m still speechless as to how what you wrote is my current situation.
      Thank you for sharing. I’ve read it 4 times over.

  13. Alone says:

    My boyfriend hit me when he gets really angry over a diagrement.Or if he see something on my fb he don’t approve of in I’m sleep he will smack me out my sleep constantly hitting me in things asking why than he I guess he feel bad sometimes in take places or ask me do I want this or one time he buys me a phone do ok want my hair I do kind of forget about it but it always like a repeat most the time irk I’m only 25 going threw this I love him so much but idk

    • Margaret says:

      That’s not love its dependence on him sparing your life. Get out now with the help of a women’s crisis center or online domestic abuse website. You are in danger. You are not being loved. You are being hurt.

  14. Alone unwanted says:

    Why am I so young going threw a abusive relationship why he makes me feel really low a lot about myself idk I try my hardest to be a wonderful girl but maybeit’s not enough he also say I’m the only female that got him doing this he loves me blah blah I just wish thing could be so much better how can you be so young going threw this I never thought it would happen to me

    • Margaret says:

      So sorry for you. You don’t have to go it alone. Get yourself up girl and join a women’s crisis center group or alanon and get trained on how to get out. You are a valuable human being worth having a peaceful life.

  15. Mabe in denial? says:

    I’m 40 and this is my second marriage my first husband was extremely jealous and obsessed but never laid his hands on me and my second husband has only hit me on my arms and he has pushed me down when we argue but when we make up he always tells me it’s my fault cuz I make him made and he always is sorry and I cry but I always forgive him and I know I do make him mad at times ..so is it my fAult like he tells me?

    • Margaret says:

      No that’s what all abusers say and it’s so confusing and we try to get better but it’s not us. It’s them something in their life makes them do this. I would get out soon. My x did exactly the same. I got out once came back again and it was worse. Go get help from a women’s crisis center. This is not your fault, his abuse. Do this soon before you lose your mind in pain. Please heed my warning. It’s hard but better than a slow death of ones soul.

  16. Emily says:

    Hello, I have been with my partner for 7 years, no kids and not married yet. Since the 1st year of been together he use to lash out on me over disagreements. Anyway one Christmas I had a black eye and I started to lose my temper and If he hurt me I would hit him back because I was sick of been belittled or hit. It stopped for a while and he knew he had anger problems and things were ok. I think I accepted the fact being hit was part of the relationship. Anyway 4 years later it’s starting again and I don’t know what to do. Bust lip, hair pulled, squeezing my face so hard that I end up with a black eye. He says sorry but does it again. It’s usually happens when we had a night out and we are hungover. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am 25, we live together and scared of starting all over again if I leave him.

    • Monica says:

      I have been with my boyfriend of 4 years. Recently he has been growing to be very jealous and possessive. He started telling me what I shouldn’t wear and threatens to not attend any events if I don’t comply with his choice of attire. Yesterday morning he hit me 2 times out of pure anger and madness because I did not try to stop him from leaving. He usually packs his bags up once a week and takes all the stuff he buys me with him including one of our dogs. He always takes away what I need most such as my phone or computer just to get my attention. When I refuse to pay him any attention he starts apologizing and crying. He also single-handedly broke my only pair of seeing eye glasses because he was angry.

  17. victoria says:

    Hmm, where to begin….
    please, i wouldnt want to give an advice if its not solely based on my personal experience.
    i was in a relationship with a guy (fiance) for 3 years, i met him when i was 23, naive, a virgin and completely clueless on what i really needed from a man. i guess he capitalised on that. He proposed, i said yes, but i knew i was heading for doom…i was sinking and couldnt save myself.
    However, over time, after, lots and lots and i mean lots of bruised skin, swollen eyes and eye hemorrage, as well as damaged property, deliberately destroying my phones, he didnt buy me, ….in short he was a nightmare that i loved, and still love him.
    dont even think i can love another. i jilted him, and it wasnt easy, cos he knew i was a real deal he couldnt keep any longer, i left and never looked back.
    its only been 5 months now since then, but i am very certain i made the best decision ever, a decision and choice i know i would see the positive end in the future.

    IF THEY DONT CHANGE TO GET YOU, THEY WOULD NEVER CHANGE TO KEEP YOU.
    IF HE CAN HIT YOU, ONCE, TWICE AND THE THIRD TIME, RUN!!!

    UNLESS YOU HAVE A DESTINY TO LIVE A MISERABLE LIFE.

    XOXO

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